Bling For Your Private Thing?

We women like to dress things up. We slip our iPods into decorator covers, we put bows on our mailboxes at Christmas time, and we even buy rubber gloves adorned with jewels and ruffles to cheer us while performing household chores. What isn’t better with a little window dressing? Well thanks to a recent book club discussion, I can now think of one thing. It was brought to my attention that many women have recently gotten into “vagazzling.” That is decorating their nether regions with stick-on jewels and crystals. (Vagina + bedazzle = vagazzle.) Seriously.

I understand this practice has been around for a couple of years, but it really took off when Jennifer Love Hewitt talked about her own bejeweled bits on the George Lopez Show in January.

I was intrigued and confused. I needed to learn more, and I had a lot of questions, such as, “What are the health risks?” “Where does one purchase va-jay-jay jewels?” “Would I now be expected to accessorize in this way before my next gynecological exam?” “Am I spelling “vagazzle” correctly?” “Just how many times did Jennifer’s mother drop her on her head as an infant?” “Can I still go swimming, horseback riding, and skydiving?” And the biggest question of all, “Why?”

I consulted the internet. I found demonstrational videos on YouTube. There is even a vagazzling fan page on facebook. Here is what I learned:

There are professionals who will adhere the jewels on for you. You can check with your local spa. (And to think I was so nervous as a young girl when getting my ears pierced!) You can also purchase vagazzling jewels online and do the deed yourself. You can snatch up a wide array of colors and patterns – I bet you can even get words put there. Mine would read “Closed For Business.”

You need to be free of all lotion, body oil and HAIR in the area before having the adhesive-backed jewels applied. Acrylic adhesive or eyelash glue may also be used to hold the jewels or crystals in place. For your trouble, you can expect to hang onto your jewels for 1-3 days. It is recommended that you wear loose clothing to extend the life of your vagazzling. I have to tell you, if those things fell off right after I went to the trouble, I’d get more than a little crotchety.

As to why it’s done, vagazzlers report it gives them a feeling of empowerment and sexual allure. I would imagine they can also add chafing and irritation to the list. I couldn’t find that there were any health risks associated with this fad, but I have to believe there’s a real chance for skin irritation “there.” Also, what happens when one of the jewels comes loose and “travels?” I would carefully consider those things before getting your bling on “there.”

I have to think vagazzling is indeed a fad. I know I won’t be doing it. As a middle-aged woman, it’s all I can do to keep up with dying my roots (on my head), plucking stray hairs and applying wrinkle cream. And since when do our significant others need any enticement to pay attention to that area? As a friend’s husband once said to me while we were discussing women’s poor body image, “You women need to realize that to us men, God didn’t create such a thing as an ugly naked woman.”

If I’m going to spend money on jewelry, it’s going to be on something I can see and appreciate. Growing up, our mothers told us to always make sure we had on good underwear when we left the house in case we got in a traffic accident and medics might get a glimpse of our undergarments. Will today’s mothers need to remind their daughters to “put on your good va-jay-jay jewels” before leaving the house?

No, I believe the vagazzling craze will be short-lived. Can you just imagine someone reading your last will and testament and announcing, “…and to my precious granddaughter, I leave my coveted vajayjay jewel collection?”

What do you say? Is vagazzling here to stay or a fleeting fancy? Do you, like me, find it (forgive me) unbeaverable?