Jesus Loves Me. The DMV? Not So Much.

Just one in a series of Ungirdled rants.

I’ll admit it.  I was not expecting a smooth, short or carefree experience going in.  But, I was determined for Thing One to get his learner’s permit.  Thing Two had gotten his a few months earlier with his dad.  Thing One was not too interested in driving as he was happy having a chauffeur on retainer.  (I obviously work for an continuouis stream of insults, derogatory nicknames and eye rolls.) 

Based on prior, lengthy tours of duty at the DMV, I knew what I might be up against.  Despite hell the DMV having a policy against bringing in food and drink, I packed bottled waters, snacks, pain reliever, several books, and I made sure to notify our next of kin of our whereabouts, as I knew we were likely to be MIA for quite some time.  I also took tweezers, as at my age, I knew unwanted hair would surely sprout during the time it typically takes to conduct a DMV transaction.  (Why don’t they have out-of-work people employed there to give you mani-pedis or massages while you wait?  You could have your income taxes done, your teeth whitened, liposuction – all kinds of things during the time it takes for you to be called for your turn.)  While I knew the battle would be long and hard, I was confident we would complete our mission.  I was as wrong as the DMV lines are long.

We entered the modern, new DMV at approximately 0930.  It was brightly lit with 15 service windows all manned my soulless dolts DMV employees at state-of-the-art computers.  This was very different from the DMV of my youth!  Surely, with the new technology and so many service windows, this would go much quicker and easier than I imagined!

First, we needed to wait in a rather lengthy line to see a curt woman who would give us the form we needed to fill out and a number to be called when it was our turn to go up to the designated service window.  As we waited 15 minutes to see the first woman, I began to notice the dozens of customers sitting in the chairs in front of those windows.  Some filling out their forms.  Some knitting.  Some dozing off.  Some staring into space with vacant expressions.  I noticed no one was reading and I soon learned why. 

After you fill out your form, you must W…A…I…T for your number to be called over a speaker system and displayed on an electronic marquee.  The “numbers” are a combination of letters and numbers and they are not called sequentially or in any discernable pattern.  They might run like this:

HAHA123

would be followed by

SCRWU17

followed by

CHUMP83.

There was no way you could read a book as you waited, as you had to be alert for your number and the window you were to report to.  After almost an hour, our number, SCKER42 was called to report to window 4.  The representative asked how she could make our lives a living hell help. We reported we were there for a learner’s permit.  “Oh,” she said completely stunned as she looked around.  “Well.  We’ll have to find someone who can take a picture.”  It was as though I had asked my optometrist to remove my ingrown toenail.  We seemed to have really  stumped the DMV with this request.  I was kinda thinking this was THEIR specialty.  I mean what else do they do besides permits, driver’s licenses and vehicle registration?  Is there something I don’t know about?  Based on my observations, it surely wasn’t setting fashion trends. 

Anyhooo…the woman typed some things in her computer screen and then told us to meet her at the opposite end of the counter that ran the length of the building.  There, she and another colleague had a lengthy pow-wow about who they could possibly get to operate the camera.  After much discussion, the first woman disappeared to the back for several minutes and produced a third woman who had to take Thing One’s photo SIX TIMES before she got one she deemed adequate. 

The second woman then told us to wait while she got the “test set up.” This took about 10 minutes.  Thing One took the test and passed.  Then we did more waiting for the second woman who was busily typing into a computer.  Thing One reported the spelling of his name had appeared incorrectly on the computer he took the test on, to which the woman relied, “Well, that’s no good.  You’re going to have to go back down to window 4 to have that fixed.”

We explained the error to the first woman at window 4.  “Oh, well that’s going to take a few minutes to fix.”  She began punching away at her computer while we waited some more and then said I needed to write a check for $19. As I handed her the check, she looked up from her computer and said, “Oh, we won’t be able to do this today, because the NDR is down.”  I paused, smiled and looked around, as I was sure we were being punked. 

“What’s that?” I asked. 

“The NDR is down.  We can’t do this today,” she said. 

“He doesn’t get his learner’s permit today?” I asked. 

“No.  The NDR is down.” 

“So today has been a waste of time?” I asked. 

“No,” she said.  He passed the test.” 

“Oh, so his permit gets mailed to us?” I asked, hopefully. 

“Oh, no,” she replied.  “You have to come back and go through the line again, and fill out the form and have your photo taken,” she said.  

“So we do the entire thing again?” I asked a bit miffed. 

 “Yes, but he passed the test.” 

“Can I get some kind of receipt saying he passed,” I asked, determined to have something to show for my time there besides the symptoms of inevitable post-traumatic stress disorder.  “And can you tell me WHAT THE NDR IS?” 

“It’s the National Data Registry.  We have to make sure he has no prior convictions,” she said matter-of-factly. 

“He can’t even muster up the energy to shut the refrigerator!  He has no priors!” I wanted to say. 

Totally defeated, we left the battlefield at approximately 1200 with our receipt which came in handy to wave as a white flag. 

Forget “Survivor.”  They need to drop a group at the DMV and film a reality show based on their experiences there.  I'm thinking I'd pretty much rather eat bugs or sleep outside than go there again.

Cartoon by Mark Parisi, www.offthemark.com

Today Is National Fried Chicken Day!

Today we celebrate fried chicken – a most wonderful and Ungirdled entrée.  In honor of this day, I am going to give you my aunt’s favorite method for preparing fried chicken for company (this recipe has never failed her):

Ingredients:

•  Enough flour to dust your kitchen counter plus a little for your apron

•  Pan of oil on stovetop

•  Warm oven

•  Couple of buckets of your favorite carry-out chicken from your grocer (or restaurant)

Just before your guests arrive, you or your significant other pick up freshly-fried chicken from your favorite outlet.  Break off a few bits of the coating into your pan of oil on top of the stove, dump the warm chicken into an oven-proof serving dish and place in warm oven, loosely covered with foil.  Put on your apron and dust it and your counter with flour, and be very sure to dispose of the carry-out containers.  My aunt has even gone so far as to fry one of the pieces of chicken in the oil to get the house smelling like fresh fried chicken.  That’s one smart chick!

Fried chicken is a beautiful thing, as it is an easy, affordable way to feed a crowd at a family reunion, picnic, pool party or while tailgating.  It can be enjoyed hot or cold.  One of life’s best and most simple pleasures is taking a bucket to the beach to enjoy at sunset.  You can use the empty bucket to make sandcastles!  Why not prepare my aunt's recipe tonight?  Here are some ideas for side dishes you can use similar preparation methods for:

•  Biscuits

•  Mac-n-cheese

•  Deviled eggs

•  Potato salad

•  Green beans

•  Cornbread

•  Black-eyed peas

•  Tomato-cucumber salad

•  Collards

•  Mashed potatoes

•  Banana pudding

•  Peach cobbler

•  Sweet potato pie

•  Corn on the cob

•  Watermelon

Here is  the perfect little ditty to celebrate today and a great, fun summer read, Southern Fried Divorce. The above image of Southern Fried Chicken can be found on magnets, recipe cards and recipe journals designed by Ungirdled Passion's creator and illustrated by Vicki Bruner by clicking here.

HAPPY FRIED CHICKEN DAY!

Family Vacation: A Chance For Parents To Be Dissed In Exotic, New Locales!

We recently splurged on a family trip to Costa Rica over spring break.  We wanted to make some special family memories and show our boys the beautiful country my husband and I had visited when first married 20 years ago.  Also, we craved the opportunity to be berated and dissed in a foreign land by 16-year-olds who somehow know way more in their 16 years than my husband and I could possibly know in our combined 100 here on earth.  (That just blew what mind I have left to add up our ages and realize they equal exactly 100!)

Costa Rica afforded us the opportunity to hike the base of one of the world’s most-active volcanoes, go white-water rafting, trek through the rainforest and be insulted for something entirely new!  This time, the source of insults, eye rolls and heavy sighs was our command of the Spanish language, or rather the lack of it.  Our little darlings have been studying Spanish in middle school and high school for several years now and are very eager to pummel us help us along with their knowledge. 

To me, my husband has great command of the Spanish language.  The only things I know how to say in Spanish are, “Hi, thank you, two beers please, and where is the bathroom.”  I had many a good time during both a trip to Mexico and one to Costa Rica with my own personal command of the Spanish language.  Anyhoo…. to me, my husband speaks beautiful Spanish.  Perhaps it’s because I have no idea what he is saying, but I remember him getting me and four other non-Spanish speaking adults around wonderfully in Costa Rica 20 years ago.  During that trip, we had a really tense moment in a bar in Limon with a drunk and belligerent Nicaraguan who obviously did not like blue-eyed Americans.   He was in our faces spewing what I knew was hateful speech when one of the gentlemen in our party said in a language very dear to me (redneck), “What the f#@k you trying to say to me?!” My husband stepped in, spoke a lot of words I did not understand and with the help of a couple friendly Costa Ricans, quickly diffused the situation. 

But back to our family trip.  We were resting in our hotel room one evening, when our children where ragging on us gently pointing out there were areas for improvement in my husband’s Spanish, saying what he spoke was Spanglish, at best.  They took various phrases my husband had used with tour guides and cab drivers and slammed him suggested better ways to say those things.  My husband replied that he thought he knew more Spanish than they did, to which Thing Two, who seems the most comfortable of the two Things with his Spanish, seem to take great offense.  His tone became very insulted as he said, “Oh really?” and then began rapidly thinking up and spewing off challenges to my husband which I jotted in the notebook I was carrying.  Here is some of what he asked my husband  (I swear!) if he knew what to say en Español:

“I want to pour cologne on your jacket and feed it to my fish.”

“My uncle can kill a dinosaur with only a knife.” 

“I went to the bathroom in the neighborhood garden.”

“Yesterday, I ran over a turtle with a truck and I put it in a cardboard box and put it on the top of my friend’s car so the police would write him a ticket for not disposing of his roadkill.”

“I want to climb to the top of Mt. Everest with a rope made of my own hair.”

We had to give it to him.  These were indeed important things one needed to know how to say in the native tongue of the country they were visiting.  I was convinced the boy did not need a Spanish tutor.  I was now wondering, however, about the services of a mental health professional…

Losing Farrah & Michael

I like Ungirdled Passion to be a place for you to come for a grin or a giggle, but today of course, is a sad day with the passing of both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.  Losing both in one day is still hard to believe.  Part of being Ungirdled is letting yourself be sad when you need to be sad.  Today, I am sad, and I suspect you may be sad too.

I remember my sister and I, as teenagers, glued to the TV set on “Charlie’s Angels” nights.  I now know how silly the show was, but back then, it gave us naïve teen girls the feeling that women could kick a$$ too, and that was an important message for us to receive at that time.  (It actually gave us the message that women could kick a$$ while wearing three inch heels, no bra, and designer clothing while being professionally made up and coiffed as they did the bidding for a man they never met, but that’s another story for another day.)  The point is, while older women may have tuned in for the fashions, and males tuned in for what they called “jiggle TV,” my sister and I really took from that show that women could be independent, effective, free agents.   Farrah went on from there to live a truly Ungirdled, courageous and accomplished life.  

What to say about Michael Jackson?  A mega talent.  A superstar.  A gift. He changed music.  He changed dance.  He created music video.  It doesn't seem enough.  Sure, he got pretty weird in his final years, but what a surreal world he lived in from the time he was a tot. I chose to remember him from his Jackson 5, Off The Wall and Thriller days.  His music from all three periods continues to move and cheer me along as I exercise, garden, clean and mow.  He taught me to be one of the party people night and day – that living crazy is the only way, that at night, I should leave that 9-5 up on the shelf, and just enjoy myself.  It's really hard to hear any of his songs and NOT want to shake it.

I watched the Barbara Walters special on Farrah Fawcett last night, and at the end, I think she summed up yesterday pretty well for us:

“They were two very different people, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.  The hugely talented boy who wouldn’t grow up and who struggled his whole life with his own image, and the girl who started as just an image but grew up to be an independent, courageous woman.  Farrah’s death at 62, was expected, but it was still a tragedy.  Michael’s death at 50 was a bolt out of the blue, so shocking, that it’s still hard to believe.  What are the lessons they taught us?  Celebrity has its pitfalls?  That nobody has it all, but talent has its own rewards?  Tonight, we lost two stars whose lights will never be dimmed.  To both the friends and families of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, we send our heartfelt sympathy.”

I am so grateful each was given to us to shine their light in the special way they each did.  

View Michael's fun, upbeat Black Or White video here.

View a pictorial salute to Farrah here.

Father's Day Salute!

Since Sunday is Father's Day a salute to all the wonderful dads!  First some favorite quotes on fatherhood followed by some cuts from an email I recently received recalling Olan Mills - remember them?  If you're an Ungirdled woman, chances are you had a couple family or individual portraits made there.

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope." - Bill Cosby

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." - Jack Handy

"I have always had the feeling I could do anything and my dad told me I could. I was in college before I found out he might be wrong." - Ann Richards

"To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule; when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years." - Ernest Hemingway

"A father carries pictures where his money used to be." Anonymous

"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong." - Charles Wadsworth

"Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough." - Wilhelm Busch

"A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be." - Carol Coats

"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards." - Robert Orben

"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Red Buttons

A salute to Olan Mills, the family portrait place dear old dad shelled out plenty of clams to:

This poor dad wore a tie for nothing!

The Purvis family made several stops along the Oregon Trail

to document their six-month journey. This photo was taken just

two weeks before the dysentery took Momma to Jesus.

This is not a bad exposure.  The 70s really were that orange.

Olan Mills Backdrop #11: The Library, 

one of their most popular themes, as seen

in this photo. The Library might be more 

believable if the shelves weren't sloping

downhill. Is that a book on teen pregnancy? 

Just a typical afternoon down on the plantation.

In a business suit. 

Olan Mills backdrop #4: Bucolic Meadow with Split Rail Fence.

Is that an animal carcass behind her? 

Thoughtful Lance.  Mirthful Lance.  Two sides of a delightful coin.

Ever wonder what they were always staring up at?

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!

Chinese Chicken Salad - This Week's Ungirdled Recipe!

This is not the most Ungirdled recipe, as it involves a number of steps, but it’s easy and a real winner. My friend introduced it to me a few years ago when she brought it to a party I was hosting and just about stole my thunder with it.  I forgave her, as she turned me onto one of my all-time favorite recipes. 

It’ll make YOU a star at your next summer picnic or luncheon.  It’s from Ina Garten, better known as Food Network’s “Barefoot Contessa.” Plan plenty of time in advance of your event to make it.  You can even make it the day before.  It almost tastes better the next day.  It makes, as my mother says “a gracious plenty,” which is a good thing, because people will be shoving each other to get to the bowl.  Ina says it serves 12.  To me, it could serve more.  This is wonderful served on it’s own in a buffet, over salad greens as a main dish, or on toasted wheat bread for an amazing sandwich.  I’ve added my own notes from my experiences making it.  The photo above is courtesy of a beautiful recipe blog called Aggie’s Kitchen which I encourage you to visit (click here).  If I could cook as well as Aggie, I’d weigh all of 500 lbs!  Thanks, Aggie! 

Ingredients

4 split chicken breasts, bone-in, skin-on (8 of the breast pieces you typically found in the meat case)

Good olive oil

Kosher salt

Freshly ground black pepper

1/2 pound asparagus, ends removed, and cut in thirds diagonally

1 red bell pepper, cored and seeded

2 scallions (white and green parts), sliced diagonally

1 tablespoon white sesame seeds, toasted

For the dressing:

1/2 cup vegetable oil

1/4 cup good apple cider vinegar

3 tablespoons soy sauce

1 1/2 tablespoons dark sesame oil

1/2 tablespoon honey

1 clove garlic, minced

1/2 teaspoon peeled, grated fresh ginger

1/2 tablespoon sesame seeds, toasted

1/4 cup smooth peanut butter

2 teaspoons kosher salt (I don’t usually add this much, as the soy sauce is pretty salty to me, so you may want to go easy and adjust to your tastes.)

1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Place the chicken breasts on a sheet pan and rub with the skin with olive oil. Sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper. Roast for 35 to 40 minutes, until the chicken is just cooked. Set aside until cool enough to handle. Remove the meat from the bones, discard the skin, and shred the chicken in large bite-sized pieces.  (In a pinch for time, I have used frozen chicken breast halves cooked with little olive oil and minced garlic in a covered skillet set on medium low.  Saves time and effort.)

Blanch the asparagus in a pot of boiling salted water for 3 to 5 minutes until crisp-tender. Plunge into ice water to stop the cooking. Drain. Cut the peppers in strips about the size of the asparagus pieces. Combine the cut chicken, asparagus, and peppers in a large bowl.

Whisk together all of the ingredients for the dressing and pour over the chicken and vegetables. Add the scallions and sesame seeds and season to taste. Serve cold or at room temperature.

Make sure you have band-aids on hand, 'cause it's likely to get ugly after this hits the buffet table.

 

 

Dolly Parton: This Week's Ungirdled Celebrity!

There are not many people who can say they’ve been nominated for the Grammy, the Oscar, the Emmy AND the Tony awards, but Dolly Parton can!  (Didn’t you love her in 9 to 5 and Steel Magnolias?)  She is the most successful woman in country music, with a record 25 number one singles, and a record 42 top 10 country albums.  She is the only artist to have scored a number one country single in each of the past four decades!  Talk about staying power!  She is also an accomplished songwriter, producer, and businesswoman.  Her production company is responsible for the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series and the movies, Father of the Bride I and Father of the Bride II among others.

You may ask how Dolly can be an Ungirdled woman with the wigs, the make-up and the wardrobe.  She’s Ungirdled because she lives life on her own terms, is honest and hard-working, a self-made woman who is smart as a fox and adheres to the golden rule.  Dolly came from humble beginnings and worked hard for all her success, and she has never forgotten where she came from.  She’s put a lot of money where her roots are. She is co-owner of the company that runs the Dollywood theme park, a dinner theatre and a water park in her hometown of Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  These businesses have helped to greatly revitalize the area.

Dolly is also a very dedicated and active philanthropist, working hard and donating generously to support literacy programs, the American Red Cross, HIV/AIDS charities, cancer research and care centers and many other causes.

Dolly was born January 19, 1946, and has been married to Carl Dean since 1966!

Here are some favorite, Ungirdled quotes from Dolly (some of these are pure gold!):

"If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one."

"It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen."

"Leave something good in every day."

"I hated school. Even to this day, when I see a school bus it's just depressing to me. The poor little kids."

"Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills."

“I never let a rhinestone go unturned”

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

"We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails."

"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!"

“I'm not going to limit myself just because some people won't accept the fact that I can do something else.”

"I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park."

“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.”

I think you'll enjoy this video of Dolly singing "Better Get To Livin'" which also features Ungirdled celebrity Amy Sedaris!  Has a great message!  Give it a minute by clicking here.  I think it'll make your day a little happier.