Yoga - Let The Spirit Move You

Seems many are enjoying the benefits of yoga. I, too, have tried this meditative, beneficial and ancient discipline from India. I have found many of the poses tough to accomplish or hold, however. Come to find out, there's a real secret to mastering these exercises. The technique is as old as yoga itself. Simply, you must let the spirit move you. The spirit can be gin, vodka, or rum. It really doesn't matter. What matters is that you are open to the spirit and committed to obtaining the positions. Below is photographic evidence of the effectiveness of employing this principle. Buddhists hold that "meditative absorption" should be combined with mindfulness in yoga. I know many Ungirdled Women join me in the belief that alcohol absorption is a quicker way to relaxation and inner peace, as well as an aid in conquering difficult yoga poses. Below, we have traditional yoga practitioners on the left, and Ungirdled practitioners who have allowed "spirit" to move them on the right.

Halasana

Excellent for back pain and imsomnia.

(I ask you, who has the most limber vertebral column here?! The yoga devotee on the right is obviously feeling NO back pain and insomnia is a thing of the past!)

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana

This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

(It is evident to me that the student on the right has achieved total calmness of the brain)

Marjayasana

Position stimulates the midrift area and the spinal column.

(Personally, I think the student on the right is very clever to incorporate

a bench in the stimulation of the midrift area

Balasana

Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

(The practitioner on the right is so calm, he can perform this pose right on a city street!)

Ananda Balasana

This position releases the sacrum and low back and opens the hips

(I don't know what a sacrum is, but I think the dude on the right looks very open.)

Dolphin

Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

(Our champ on the right is also getting a nice mud treatment for his cheek as he holds this pose, making the "dolphin" a multi-porpoise exercise! They charge a FORTUNE for mudpack treatments in those swanky spas. Smart!)

Pigeon

Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of "stress."

(Who looks the most uptight to you here?)

Savasana

Position of total relaxation.

(Who do you view as more relaxed: the chick on the mat on the left, or the dude

soooo calm, he can maintain this pose on a public bus? 'nuff said, me thinks!)

I hope you've found this information to be enlightening and helpful. Just thinking about it makes me anxious for my next yoga session, and why not? It's five o'clock somewhere!

(Special thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law for emailing these photos!)

The S Word Has Hit The Fan

I know, I know. I’ve been slackin’ on blog posts. Most of it is due to the S word hitting the fan. Yes, school has started. Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness has ended. I’m trying to accept it with good spirits (the best gin, vodka and rum money can buy) and keep a brave face, although not an attractive one when you must rise in the dark and rattle the monkey cages of Things One & Two to get them going.

One of the reasons I dread school starting is the early wake-up time. Thing One has to be at his bus stop at 6:30 AM, while Thing Two has to be at his at 6:45. I drive them to their stops, as each are about a half mile away, and while that’s not a bad walk, everyone who owns a teen knows it defies the laws of nature for them to be awake at that time let alone awake and coherent enough to walk that distance. It takes a good hour and about 73 ounces of Mountain Dew before such a thing can even be considered.

Another thing I hate about the start of school is my inability to say no to volunteering. Actually, I have gotten better about it, as I am doing less this year. I think part of the reason I find it hard to say no is it seems the same 30 women volunteer and do EVERYTHING for the PTA. Many of these women work full time outside the home. And always look impeccable. And are always organized, friendly and nice! I feel like if they can do all that and volunteer so much, I should step up and do something every year. I am in total awe of these wonder women and, of course, really jealous. This envy was the inspiration for the greeting card idea shown upper right. I have never actually known a PTA president on Prozac, I just love alliteration and the way this character allows the green-eyed monster in me to poke fun at the women who can do it all, since I am so jealous I can't . (The greeting card publisher bought the line – see it here – but did not buy this particular one.)

Anyhoo…if you have kids who have recently started school at your house, you have my sympathies and you all have my promise to try and do a little better at posting more often! Happy school daze!

Letters To Manufacturers & The Deciders Of Things

One huge, affluent segment wields more spending clout than any other: Ungirdled (aka Baby-Boomer) women.* We are the most consumingest consumers.  We’ve also been around the block.  Because of this and the fact that we are running low on estrogen, this makes the people who should and WILL tell manufacturers and the powers that be HOW things should be.  Following are a few of my questions and ideas.  I am sure you have plenty, too! (do I feel the start of a series coming on?)

Dear Women’s Magazine Editors & Publishers:

Why do you always promote the latest diet and exercise regimes on your cover ALONG WITH a picture of a decadent cake or pie you’re also promoting the recipe for? 

Also, why to you feature pants that cost $730 and blouses that run $255 and boots that cost $500 in your fashion pages when the average reader could never dream of spending that much on a single piece of clothing or pair of shoes?  You must we aware of this with all the coupons and articles on financial advice from Suze Orman and others you print. 

Dear Slim Fast Shake Makers:

Orange and vanilla shakes are nice, but why not make your products in flavors we chubbies really like?  For example, Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookie, Hot Krispy Kreme Donut, Whopper with fries. 

Dear Pet Food Manufacturers:

Lamb and rice is a nice flavor for dogs’ kibble, but why not make flavors dogs really seem to go for?  Ideas include:  crotch, cat feces, garbage, expensive shoe, furniture, and homework. Maybe if dog food came in these flavors, dogs would not destroy these things around the house, dogs would be happier, and your sales would go up.  You could help out wild birds by making wren and finch-flavored cat food, too.

Dear New Home Developers:

Why do you insist on taking down every tree in a new development and then naming streets after them?  Is that like a memorial?  I think we’d all rather you leave a few of the trees and name the street Concrete or Asphalt Lane instead of taking them all down and then naming streets Elm or Maple. 

What letter would you write?  Please hit the word “comments” below and let us know!

*Mary Brown, Carol Orsborn, Ph.D., Marketing to the Ultimate Power Consumer—The Baby-Boomer Woman

August 15: National Relaxation AND National Failures Day!

Saturday is National Relaxation AND National Failures Day.  Coincidence?  Let’s nonsensically ponder it.

Some would say if you relax too much, you’ll fail at life. As a society, our nation seems more driven than most.  We enjoy far less vacation time than most European countries.  Our average annual paid vacation time is 8.9 days, whereas most European countries’ is 20-25 days. Have we failed to relax? Despite fewer vacation days, our nation is more obese and debt-ridden than ever before. So, while we are failures at relaxing, perhaps we are successful at being complete failures!  Should we, as a country, be celebrating one or two holidays on Saturday? 

 ...but laziness offers immediate gratification!

Birthday card available here.  Copy inside continues to read "Hope your birthday is especially gratifying!"

Speaking of failure to relax, school starts back soon, and I am already dreading it.  This is one area I am working to be more Ungirdled about.  I am constantly worried if I should be pushing  my children so they won’t “fail.”  Thanks to their teachers, peers, and society in general, my boys already seem to feel pressured enough to do well in school, take AP classes, and make sure they have enough extracurricular activities and community service hours for college applications.  Consequently, I often find myself telling them to relax, that there’s a college for everyone.  Summer comes, and for the most part, they become sloth.  I know that this is largely due to the pressure they feel during the school year, and they just shut down in recuperative protest.  

This causes me to worry that I am failing as a mother by not pushing them to do more in the summer.  I encounter lots of other moms who, since their children were five, have had them doing at least one sport year ‘round, doing a camp, class or other activity every week during summer break, staying active in church, staying on track to earn Boy or Girl Scouting’s highest honors, and more.  Some of these moms even send their kids to school when they’re sick (Motrin takes care of the fever, they figure, so what if he feels miserable and contaminates others?  He can’t miss school!)   These kids are like the army:  they get more done before 9 a.m. than most people do all day.  Their moms are busier than the busiest Hollywood agents managing their school careers and extracurricular activities.  Mine are nowhere near as busy, and I can't even keep my house clean or figure out what to have for dinner.

Even at the high school level, these mothers know every homework assignment, every project, and the date of every test.  During the school year, school truly is the center of the universe in our home, but I have to stop to remember what courses my boys are taking.   (I am able to name them all – but it takes me a minute!)  These mothers also know which teacher is best for every subject and angle and finagle for their children to get those teachers.   They’ve long known what each state college is looking for and constantly remind me it’s getting harder and harder to get in.  I have tried to keep up with these moms, but I’ve failed.  Miserably.  Failure is not an option for their kids.  Neither, it seems, is relaxation (not very often, anyway).  So, I have a feeling neither of Saturday’s holidays will be observed by these families.

We had a couple of families over for dinner this weekend.  One guest, a college professor and one of our best friends who I greatly like and admire, asked my two 16 year-olds what they wanted to do.  (“Do” as in study and then have as a career.)  My boys both said they didn’t know.  Her reply to me was a concerned, “Oh, you better get on them.”  She then turned to our 14 year-old female guest and asked her the same question.  The 14 year old was able to rattle off her life plan, including what neighborhood in Savannah she would retire in (this was after attending Yale and enjoying a career in genetics).  This caused me to plan on having another beer.

Some days, I get caught up in this rat race and feel like a rat for not having it together better and pushing my boys to do more.  Other days, I relax, feeling it will all be just fine.  I tell my boys that as long as they do their best, treat others right and follow their bliss  (that is finding their true calling, honoring their natural talents to fulfill their purpose) it will all work out.  I tell them that the true definition of success is being happy most of the time and being able to meet your basic needs and those of any offspring you have.  Then I realize I am successful by my own definition (or at least I have the happy part covered while I was smart enough to marry their dad who has the "meeting the needs" part covered) and wonder why I fail to relax about their futures.  

So, which holiday do l celebrate tomorrow?  I feel like most of the time I am too relaxed about my kids' school careers and futures, so I am consequently a failure, but that makes me pretty uptight when I stop to think about it, so I am a failure at relaxing, making me successful at failing.   Do I really deserve either holiday?  Or should I just relax about the whole thing?

Which will you celebrate? National Relaxation Day or National Failures Day?  Or both? Either way, have a great one! 

Beach Etiquette - Missus Manners Guest Blogs!

Today, Missus Manners guest blogs with some tips on beach etiquette, which I find quite a coincidence, as yours truly lives at the beach and has been frequenting the shore as of late!  Feel free to print these out for beach goers you encounter who are in need of such tips.  Thanks for guest-blogging, Missus Manners!

Gentle Neanderthals Readers who happen to smoke, please know that most folks who visit the beach prefer to inhale the fresh salt air, not cancerous, noxious cigarette fumes, however classy and sophisticated you are while smoking.  ('tis hard to believe, I confess!)  Therefore, please consider your distance to others' beach blankets before lighting up.  Additionally, some folks feel your spent butts should be considered refuse and not beach decorations and wish you to kindly deposit them in the nearest waste receptacle.  

Similarly, Gentle Reader, when visiting the shore, most hope to enjoy the sights and smells of the ocean, and not (how do we put this gently?) that of which was once your pet’s breakfast now  used and redistributed.  If you must bring Rover, please obey the leash laws and bring a plastic bag for prompt waste removal. 

Nearly all will agree the sound of waves crashing on the shore is one of nature’s most soothing melodies.  Why override Mother Nature’s wonderful composition with the vocal stylings of Ghostface Killa or Snoop Dogg played at the highest volume on your portable music player or radio?  While tastes in musical artists vary, I think we can all agree the WAVE station plays universally pleasant music.  Let’s all tune into it while at the oceanfront, shall we?

For those of you with young children screaming and crying on the beach, you are in luck, as Missus Manners is an expert in child psychology.  She has been trained to recognize that when a young one is continuously screaming and crying, it can be interpreted to mean that the child is not enjoying their current predicament and should therefore be removed from it.  

Some pointers on beach attire:  Please keep in mind one should select at least his or her usual size and not three sizes smaller than what one would typically wear when selecting a swimsuit.  Choosing a large enough size will make us all a lot more comfortable.  Perhaps your desire to share your many tattoos, no matter where they appear, accounts for your preference for more skimpy fashions, but Missus Manners assures you that those special areas should only be shared with your significant other Neanderthal.

While we're on the subject, thanks ever so much, Gentle Reader, for your willingness and enthusiasm to turn the beachfront into a Discovery Channel special on the mating of your species, but perhaps we should leave such an education to a private discussion with the parents of our young beach goers.  

Finally, dearest beachfront tourist, you should know that while you may consider the local seagulls cute, exotic creatures that are entertaining to feed bits of your sandwich to, beach residents see your coaxing them as an irritant.  If you absolutely cannot refrain from feeding the vermin seagulls, please do so far away from other beach goers.  As hard as it is to imagine, not everyone adores having these squawking, defecating rats-with-wings dive-bombing them as much as you seem to. 

As always, Gentle Reader, I am glad I could be of service.  If you have any beach etiquette you would care to share, please do so by clicking on the word "comments" below and adding your advice.  Toodles!