Halloween - Not Just for Kids & Skanks! Costume Ideas For Busy Moms!

If you’re a busy mom of teens like me, your days are jam-packed with bribing teachers, posting bail, and trying to figure out why Tupperware containers emptied of leftovers are placed back in the fridge while half-full milk and juice cartons are left on the counter over night. You’ve got little time to come up with a costume for your kids, much less yourself. But Halloween shouldn’t be just for kids. We adults should make the time to enjoy it, too. Today, I share some fast, easy costume ideas for us busy moms where I am guest blogging at Lifescript.com - a terrific site for Ungirdled women! Click here to check it out, and please leave a comment at the end with your ideas! Thanks and happy Halloween!!

Teenage Enigmas

If you’ve ever encountered a teenager, either in the wild or its natural habitat, you know the species are walking-sassing contradictions. I have the torment pleasure of observing two in the habitat I share with them. Some observations from the field:

• The same subjects which spend hours grooming their hair to get it just right will play it fast and loose with the rest of their bodies while operating a motor vehicle. Need proof? Watch the chaos in the student section of a high school parking lot ten minutes before the first bell rings. Your hair will turn gray - if you live to tell about it.

• The cross country athlete who will regularly run 5 or more miles at practice will find it impossible to make the 17 foot trek from table to dishwasher.

• The member of Model UN, a group which focuses of solving the world’s most pressing problems, can’t figure out how to shut the refrigerator door.

• The same specimen which will not let you forget that you got the name of one of his six teachers wrong FOUR YEARS AGO can’t remember to pack the next day’s homework in his backpack.

• The subject which rarely misses a shot on the basketball court can’t seem to ever make an item of dirty laundry land in the hamper or used tissue in the trash can.

• The typical specimen can text 272 words a minute to a friend, the same amount of time it takes them to type five for their English essay.

• While in its natural habitat, subject behaves as though separated from John McEnroe at birth. Natural enemies teachers report behavior of angel while outside the habitat.

• The student who dreads oral presentations doesn’t ever seem to mind lecturing you at home. Not ever. Favorites on the in-home lecture series include: “You don’t know how to act in public,” “My life is WAY harder than yours!” and “There’s nothing to eat in this house.”

• You constantly ask yourself how the most clueless, most embarrassing couple in the entire universe could have produced people who know absolutely everything except how the two of you can be so lame.

I know there are some I missed, because the study of these creatures can be exhausting and the liquor intake required to live with the can make you forgetful. What contradictions have you observed in your study of teen behavior?

Card above is ©Tracy Kunzler and sold at www.bottman.com, see “Reel Life Horrors” cards.

Do You Look Like You Feel?

Do you look like you feel?

I go around feeling like this:

Of course I don’t think I look like that! I know I don’t. Not anywhere close. Not in the same ballpark, neighborhood of even hemisphere of it, it’s just that If I had to visualize how I feel, this is how I visualize me. Then, I will unfortunately, see a photo of myself someone’s recently taken, and immediately I feel like I look like this:

The stomach! The wattle! The dried-out hair…it’s hard to take it all in. I exercise, I only eat 27% of what I WANT to eat in a day; I take tons of vitamins; I try to get enough sleep, but there it is. I am old and dumpy. Far from what I looked like in high school, and of course, intellectually, I know I don't look like I looked in high school, but I still feel the same spirit-wise.

Then, time goes by and I forget about the photo (can you spell “post traumatic stress disorder?) and happily go about life. Recently, I was happily going about life while some contractors were over to tend to the effects left by having a new door installed (of course, installing the door uncovered tons of rotten wood around the door frame which lot$ had to be done to correct. (Can you spell home ownership: the pantload that keeps on giving?) Anyhoo… I’m making out the check for the head contractor dude, when he asks, “You know who you look like?” While I know the answer will NOT be Cameron Diaz or anyone close to it, you naturally think, when someone makes a point of saying, “You know who you look like?” it’s going to be really flattering. That they're going to name someone a little younger, someone you could only hope to look like if they are saying it to your face and especially IF YOU ARE WRITING OUT A CHECK TO THEM AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT. I asked, with trepidation, “Who’s that?” Wait for it… Wait for it….

“Bonnie Hunt!”

“Really?” I asked, trying to sound pleased and not totally deflated.

“Yes! You look just like her! Do you know who she is?”

“Yes,” I reply trying to continue writing vs. visually tasering contractor dude. “I love her.” Which I do. I really, really do. It’s just that I wanted him to say someone younger than me, not someone a year older. You never want to hear you look like someone older or even close to your age. (Naturally, I immediately looked up Bonnie’s age right after the contractor left to see how old I was looking to the unbiased, outspoken local contractor population.)

While looking up Bonnie’s age, I found lots of photos of her. Looking at them, I realized I would be happy and lucky to look like Bonnie Hunt or remind anyone of her. She is a wonderfully warm, happy, funny, kind and beautiful woman – at least that’s what I think of when I think of her, and if that’s at all how I present myself to the world, then I am very lucky indeed. Stomach, wattle and all. (I'm talking about my wattle and stomach - not Bonnie's - she doesn't seem to have those things, and if she does, mine certainly trump hers!)

Oprah Makes Me Feel Bad, But This Time I Think It’s Worth It

When it comes to guilt trips, I have logged more mileage points with Oprah than I have with US Air, American Airlines and my mother COMBINED. Oprah makes me feel bad for so many reasons. Thanks to her constant crusades, I feel I should be eating a "kinder" diet, reading better books, doing more for charity and saving better (that Suzy Orman can really give you a good scolding). I’ve realized I’ve been plucking my eyebrows all wrong. Oprah has even let me know I poop wrong. It should look like an “S” according to the big O and her experts. And, thanks to Oprah, I know that chances are I have been wearing THE WRONG BRA my entire breast-toting life. Now she is making me feel bad about something I suspect you should feel bad about too, and I’m glad.

In case you haven’t heard, Oprah’s latest crusade is to get as many people as possible to take a pledge to make our cars “no phone zones.” According to Oprah, Nearly 500,000 people are injured and 6,000 are killed each year because drivers are talking, texting and e-mailing behind the wheel.

I am not a big cell phone user. My boys are constantly chiding me for how little I know about my cell phone. I think too many in our society are pathetic cell phone addicts. While shopping, I daydream of tasering fellow shoppers who insist on loudly blathering about the most inane minutiae on their cell phones - especially those lugging poor, neglected tots with them. I also think it is incredibly rude to have someone constantly scanning their phone, crackberry - or whatever they have - while you’re talking to them. I don’t do any of that, but I confess I have, on occasion, taken or made a call while driving. Studies now show it is just as dangerous as drinking and driving – something I would never consider doing. So, I have taken Oprah's "No Phone Zone" pledge and knew you, as a sister (or brother) of the Ungirdled Nation would want to consider doing it, too.

To see some very compelling arguments and videos for signing the pledge, go to oprah.com and hit the “no phone zone” icon to the right. (Or click here after reading this post.) Once there, you can also access and sign the pledge to make your car a no phone zone and lessen the chance that you or someone you love will be killed or injured due to cell phone use while driving. I can pretty much guarantee after seeing just this or this, you’ll think it’s the right thing to do. There are three different pledge options from "I will not text while driving," to "I will not text or use my phone while I am driving. If I need to use my phone, I will pull over to the side of the road."

I know, I know. It’s easy for Oprah to preach no talking or texting while driving. I’m sure she has a driver taking her everywhere, just as she has a chef cooking her kinder diet, a personal accountant helping her save, and millions of dollars to help charity. I'm sorry for the less-than- light-hearted post this go around, but I know you agree 6,000 deaths a year due to using something we easily (and literally!) lived without until just recently is enough to make you want to say “amen” to this sermon.

Images from Oprah.com "No Phone Zone" page

Girl Scout Cookie Sales Alternatives For The Ungirdled Nation

It’s that time of year again. Just when we realize our new year’s resolutions to lose weight aren’t going to pan out, cherub-faced do-gooders known as Girl Scouts begin ringing our door bells to hawk their irresistible cookies. Just what my fudge-filled thighs need, a coating of Thin Mints. (The name is even enticing – THIN mint, when it’s anything but.) Who can resist them or the delectable Dos-si-dos and Tagalongs? The answer is no one. That is why, since this highly-anticipated annual event began in 1917, the obesity rate has risen like 713% (give or take a few hundred percent). The number one seller, the Thin Mint, has 160 calories per serving of four cookies. Who can and does eat just four at a time?! With over 200 million boxes of Girl Scout cookies sold each year, and 25% of them being thin mints, and a pound of fat equating 3,500 calories, basic math tells us that thin mints alone are responsible for over 17 bazillion pounds gained by Americans each year.

Girl Scouts are in no way to blame for the obesity epidemic. I sold Girl Scout cookies as a girl, and my mother even served as Girl Scout district distribution manager one year. We had cases and cases all over our home and garage. I am a big (thanks to the cookies, make that HUGE) fan of scouting. While they are not the problem, I do look to Girl Scouts, as among the brightest and best our country, to be leaders in the solution.

Scouting is an incredibly valuable program that needs and merits our support. Did you know that in 2005, 71.5 percent of women in the U.S. Senate and 67.1 percent of the women in the House of Representatives were former Girl Scouts? In 1942, when there were sugar, flour and butter shortages during World War II, Girl Scouts took to selling calendars in lieu of cookies. In that spirit, I have come up with a suggested list of things Girl Scouts can sell instead of cookies that today’s consumer (and Ungirdled Woman) could really use and appreciate:

• Spanx

• Estrogen patches

• Designer shoes

• Thigh masters

• Botox injections

• Liquor

Here’s what I think is the best idea of all: get the Slim Fast people to come up with a new, thin mint flavor exclusively for Girl Scouts. A S’mores flavor wouldn’t be bad either. I think they would be huge sellers - almost as big as my thighs.

If, like me, you know you’re going to succumb to the sweet-faced pushers of thin mint ecstasy, you can visit the official Girl Scout Cookie website here to review all the varieties and acquaint yourself with the latest additions. I know I’ll be getting to know them all too well. One thing I especially like about Girl Scout cookie sales is, once you’ve been approached by the 27^th neighbor girl selling them, the option to have some of the cookies you purchase go to military troops serving overseas. There’s a cookie purchase good for your heart and waistline!

Winter Blahs? Try These Mood Boosters

If you’re like me, you may have noticed a lot of people in a bit of a funk and may have even found yourself feeling a little funky. Whether it’s the economy or just a case of winter blahs, many of us could use a way to lift our spirits. I recently saw a spot on TV highlighting ways to boost your mood based on a New York magazine feature titled "50 Steps To Simple Happiness." These were things touted as simple, affordable ways to make for a happier, healthier you. I'm listing a few I thought made sense, some things I would personally like to try (but will probably never happen), as well as a few mood-boosters that have never let me down.

Ways To Lift Mood From New York Magazine *

Make Your Bed. The theory here is if you have your environment controlled, you’ll feel more at peace. If you do this first thing, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment from the get-go. I do think there's a little something to this.

Paint your walls yellow. The idea being that yellow is the color of sunlight and sunlight is a natural mood booster. I personally do not like yellow anything (except for beer and cheese which which are wonderful mood lifters) but I do have a number of walls painted yellow green or orange throughout my house and they make me very happy. I’ve had people actually say the rooms with those colors make them happy.

Use green apple or cucumber scented products. The article recommends looking for candles, lotions or shampoos that have these scents, as they’ve been proven to lift mood. I think you could even actually eat the real thing and probably get the same effect!

Eat an ounce of dark chocolate. The magazine says dark chocolate will boost your mood and give you much-needed antioxidants that are good for your health. I say more is more, so have more than an ounce and get really happy!

Things I Would Like To Try To Boost My Mood But Will Probably NEVER Happen

Controlling the remote when my husband and I are watching television.

Owning my own taser – the REAL kind like the police have. I promise not to use it more than once...OK three... times a week!

Having the people in my house aim.

Having the people in my house who don’t aim, clean up after they don’t aim. (a girl can dream!)

Saying to a salesgirl while in the fitting room, “Could you please fetch me these jeans in a size six or even a four? This pair of eights is just falling off of me!”

Guaranteed Mood Boosters (for me, anyway!)

Spend time with your dog. Whether it’s two minutes scratching his belly or a quick game of dodging and running around the yard, I’ll bet he'll provide you with lots of unconditional love and smiles.

Our family mood lifter, Bogie

Put your favorite music on when no one else is home (LOUD) and turn that mother out as you shake your money maker all over the dance flo'.

Take a leisurely stroll through the green house of a nearby nursery with classical music or smooth jazz playing on your iPod. The sights, smells and sounds will restore you.

Play a game with family and friends. We like Apples-to-Apples, Catch Phrase and have just discovered a new one called “What’s Yours Like?” Seems I nearly loose bladder control whenever we play one of these (or I sneeze).

Get together with favorite girlfriends and laugh. One of my favorite things to do with a group of favorite girls is paint, craft or knit as we sip adult beverages and nibble treats. If you laugh enough, you'll feel much better. If you drink enough, you will turn out some masterpieces! (At least you'll think so at the time!)

Watch videos of babies laughing on YouTube. Here are two good ones to get you started:

I hope these tips will help lift your mood the next time you feel a little funky. I'd love to hear your tips! Feel free to add your own special ways of boosting your spirits by hitting "comments" below.

* Many of the tips in the New York Magazine article involved going to specific places in New York. You can find the entire article here.