Teenagers and The Family Christmas Card

Every year, I ask my family to pose for what I think is a fun family Christmas card. I have shared a few here with you before. When my boys were little, they really got into it. As evidenced here:

At age two, my little angels were only too happy to pose and wish everyone "peace, love and joy." At age three, they happily posed with their dad as the "three wiseguys, offering gifts of gold, Frankenstein and Merv:"

As the years went on, I got less and less cooperation. This year they refused to pose and said they didn't care what I did for the family Christmas card. Hence this year's offering:

I simply cut heads from their school pictures and applied to this original photo found at the hilarious website awkwardfamilyphotos.com (which is also a fabulous gift book). I have no idea what the family who posed for this was thinking. ("It's Christmas! Grin and BARE it?") I do know it's totally put me off of "figgy pudding!" If I were built like that woman, I would certainly want to show it off, but I am not sure posing for a family Christmas card photo while wearing a coconut bra and fig leaf is the way to do it. But that's just me. After receiving this, one neighborhood mom thanked me, saying it has persuaded her once-reluctant boys to happily pose for family Christmas cards from now on.

Anyhoo...wanted to wish everyone in the Ungirdled nation a very happy holiday season and a new year filled with lots of peace, love, laughter, great health and prosperity! Thanks for visiting throughout the year!

Teenage Enigmas

If you’ve ever encountered a teenager, either in the wild or its natural habitat, you know the species are walking-sassing contradictions. I have the torment pleasure of observing two in the habitat I share with them. Some observations from the field:

• The same subjects which spend hours grooming their hair to get it just right will play it fast and loose with the rest of their bodies while operating a motor vehicle. Need proof? Watch the chaos in the student section of a high school parking lot ten minutes before the first bell rings. Your hair will turn gray - if you live to tell about it.

• The cross country athlete who will regularly run 5 or more miles at practice will find it impossible to make the 17 foot trek from table to dishwasher.

• The member of Model UN, a group which focuses of solving the world’s most pressing problems, can’t figure out how to shut the refrigerator door.

• The same specimen which will not let you forget that you got the name of one of his six teachers wrong FOUR YEARS AGO can’t remember to pack the next day’s homework in his backpack.

• The subject which rarely misses a shot on the basketball court can’t seem to ever make an item of dirty laundry land in the hamper or used tissue in the trash can.

• The typical specimen can text 272 words a minute to a friend, the same amount of time it takes them to type five for their English essay.

• While in its natural habitat, subject behaves as though separated from John McEnroe at birth. Natural enemies teachers report behavior of angel while outside the habitat.

• The student who dreads oral presentations doesn’t ever seem to mind lecturing you at home. Not ever. Favorites on the in-home lecture series include: “You don’t know how to act in public,” “My life is WAY harder than yours!” and “There’s nothing to eat in this house.”

• You constantly ask yourself how the most clueless, most embarrassing couple in the entire universe could have produced people who know absolutely everything except how the two of you can be so lame.

I know there are some I missed, because the study of these creatures can be exhausting and the liquor intake required to live with the can make you forgetful. What contradictions have you observed in your study of teen behavior?

Card above is ©Tracy Kunzler and sold at www.bottman.com, see “Reel Life Horrors” cards.

A Call To Arms – Actually Legs & Va-jay-jays – For The Younger Generation

Ungirdled sisters, take note: the younger generation desperately needs our help when it comes to dressing for success. I am no fashion maven, and the last thing I want to do is come off snooty and judgmental, but I have noticed too many young ladies stumbling in stilettos and micro-minis at school and other events that call for “business” or “professional” attire

When attending school events such as debates, awards dinners, Model UN, etc. I have noticed that business dress for young men translates to ties, trousers, button-down dress shirts and jackets. For the ladies, it seems to mean wearing the shortest skirt and the highest heels you can find. (The ability to walk in said shoes is not a priority.) The dresses and skirts I’ve seen young women wear provide little more coverage than the paper ones gynecologists issue for yearly exams. In fact, many young ladies look as though they are ready for their close-ups in that area while attending such events. I know, I know. They get the message to dress this way from magazines, "reality" shows, all the media images they're bombarded with. Bless their hearts. They obviously live in homes with no Ungirdled woman present to counter these messages and set them straight. To help these poor, misinformed souls, I’ve come up with tips for teen girls dressing for success and invite you to add to it.

• Skanky is not the new black in professional dress, unless you’re dressing for success in the world’s oldest profession.

• The shorter the skirt, the lower your heel should be. Really.

• Your skirt should be at least as long as it is wide. I recently saw a young woman participating in a serious academic contest in a skirt that was really and truly wider than it was long. It was seriously wrong.

• To those in business settings, the more skin you show = the less you know. Showing of skin does not equal maturity and business acumen. Not lying here.

• Exhibit and highlight your knowledge, charm, and humor. Not your va-jay-jay.

• Just because you are wearing cocktail attire, it does not trick anyone into thinking you're legally old enough to drink a cocktail

• A sundress and thong sandals does not equal business savvy.

• Katharine Hepburn did us a big favor decades ago and made it just fine to wear pants in a business setting. They are an option for professional dress. A GOOD one.

• I love cute shoes as much as the next girl, but trust me, being able to walk in your shoes will always trump wearing really high heels in so many ways.

I give these tips in a spirit of love and the hope that it will help young women be taken seriously and become valued for their academic capabilities and depth of character rather than their length of skirt. In "short" (pardon the pun) to succeed in the business world: Be an asset; don't show your ASSets, or be an eager beaver instead of showing yours.

CHECK OUT MY GUEST-BLOGGING GIG! I was recently asked to be a monthly guest blogger at healthbistro.com - it's a really cool, informative blog you'll love with all kinds of fascinating tidbits for Ungirdled women. My first post is scheduled to appear this Friday, January 29. Check it out here.

It Must Be Good To Be King

For those of you who don’t know, I am the zookeeper mother of 16 year-old twin orges boys.   Most of you Ungirdled women who have/had teenagers will relate. 

They were THE sweetest children.  They actually seemed to like us and even thought we might know a little more than they do.  That all started to change just a couple months before their thirteenth birthday, or as we now say, just before they turned TURDteen.

Now, of course, my husband and I are the lamest, stupidest, MOST EMBARASSING people on the planet. Yet we somehow produced the two smartest people in the universe.  If you have teens, you know what I am talking about.  If you don’t and you think you might want children, forget that carrying-around-an-egg-for a-week-thing to see if you’re up to the job.  Just borrow a teen (there are tons of willing parents!) and parent that teen for a couple hours.  If you can do this and still think handling teenagers is no big deal, then by all means, go ahead.  But, before you do, please go sign up for the special forces - they could really use a few people like you.

Our two teen-type “people” not only think of my husband and I as lame, embarrassing morons, they think of us as servants.  Consider the love notes our angels taped outside their bedroom doors for us last night.  (I should preface by saying my husband and I wake our angels from their slumber each morning.  This week, local high schools are conducting SOL testing which means students can go in much later than normal when they don’t have an SOL test scheduled, which mine did not.)

Anyhoooo…this is the love note left by Thing One in about 157 point type: 

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES,

GET ME UP ANY EARLIER THAN 8:35 A.M.

 

And this beautiful letter was penned by Thing Two:

If it is earlier than 8:25 a.m.,

turn around and walk away.

If you are still having difficulty,

proceed to jump face-first off the balcony.

“Touching,” said my husband as he and I stood outside their rooms reading these love letters around 7:00 a.m.  “Yes,” I acknowledged.  “Makes me want to reach out and touch the authors.”  My husband then said, “I guess dem boys plum forgot dat I’s too stupid to know how to tell time,” just before he began rapidly and loudly pounding on their doors well before the “allowable” times. 

I love that embarrassing moron-servant.

Greeting card featured can be purchased (along with a lot of other terrific cards) at Bottman Design under Reel Life Cards.