Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Guest Column! A Pregnant Pause For Menopause!


(Today, beloved Ungirdled readers, is a special guest column by Valerie Johnston for the website Healthline.com on something we've all faced or will face. Enjoy and check out Healthline.com when you get the chance!)

What We Want is a Pregnant Pause for Menopause

First, let it be said that most women agree that there is nothing funny about menopause.  That said, it might as well be approached with humor; every woman who reaches an age when menopause creeps into life is going to experience it.  It might as well have a light-hearted side.  And after a life long struggle with monthly female issues, month after month, year after ragged year, maybe it is time for some levity when, some time into the creep, you suddenly realize: Oh.  No more periods.  Isn’t that worth celebrating?

So, what have you to look forward to if the creeping paws of menopause have not yet set upon you?  It is a slow process.  If you were expecting something that would be a quick-change artist; a dash into the walk-in closet, throw on a new frock, old lady threads, and repeat that over the cycle of the moon, and voilĂ , you’re now a completed woman (oh, but there is something incomplete), you need the quiet, pregnant pause to reconsider.  Don’t take too long in contemplation.  It’s a long time going down the road, but the road has a quick beginning.

The first thing you might notice – and it may be a couple of months before it slaps its dose of reality – is that your periods stopped.  There may be a sudden twist of regret in the womb: it is the finality of youth and procreative power.  Never again, it echoes, never, ever…  Motherhood does have its joys and sorrows.  The sorrows lose their sting after a time, but the joys last forever.  Never, ever again.  You may suddenly feel like you are the next model, a female this time, for the Old Man of the Year with a scythe draped over your shoulder.  You are bent over, hobbling.  With the end of the year comes the sudden realization: no more periods!  And life did not end after all.  In fact, a look in the mirror and you may not even see a wrinkle or a gray hair.  Isn’t that worth celebrating?

Wait!  Why am I laying here in bed, middle of the night in the dead of winter, and I’m having night sweats?  I’m having lunch with my daughters -- two married, one not yet -- the next afternoon.  The fan in the restaurant is right over our table, and I’m having day sweats!  “Hells’ bells, is it hot in here or is it just me?”  They look at me, shrugging.  I’m positively drenched.  Is there a fire?  Did the sprinklers just turn on?  They don’t have a clue!  Just you wait for mother’s revenge!  I’ll get you, my pretties.

I’m looking in the mirror; just waking up, putting on my make-up, and, even though it is “that time of month,” I suddenly have a happy tune rolling through my head.  “I’m as corny as Kansas in August, I’m as normal as blueberry pie…”  The creeping paws have delivered another piece of pleasure pie: no more mood swings!  Finally, for the first time since we were married thirtummmmmmmmy mmm-mmm years ago, my husband may be able to look at me, listen to me, and he will likely understand everything I said.  Did he change, or did I?  Who cares?  If I was from Venus and he was from Mars, we have finally coordinated a landing in the middle on Earth, but it feels like heaven.  Isn’t that worth celebrating?

Take off the sad face, hold for a good, long, pregnant pause and celebrate the creeping paws of menopause.

Valerie Johnston is a health and fitness writer located in East Texas. With ambitions of one day running a marathon, writing for Healthline.com ensures she keeps up-to-date on all of the latest health and fitness news.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

"Aging With Ungirdled Passion" Now Available In Paperback!

Just in time for Mother's Day! "Aging With Ungirdled Passion" is now available in paperback here! "Aging With Ungirdled Passion" has been available as an e-book through Amazon.com on Kindles, iPads, computers and more for several weeks, and the responsive has been fantastic! The warm reception is greatly appreciated! I am so happy to be able to make it available in paperback form. The book also makes a great birthday gift for girlfriends and is a fun beach read. 

Chapters and highlights include:
• My Ovaries Are Going Out of Business, And All My Clothing Is Half Off!
• Middle Age Has Turned Me Into A Real Mother Plucker
• When Your Uterus Has Fallen And It Can’t Get Up
• My Perfect Sleep Number Is Chardonnay
• I’ve Fought The Lard, And The Lard’s Won: Fallen Soldiers In The Battle of the Bulge
• Shift Happens; It’s Best To Be A Man About It.
• The Lyrics To “I’m Fifty And I Know It!”
And lots more!

It’s a fun, reflective read that’s cheaper than therapy and a whole lot more fun. We guarantee you’ve paid more for a sandwich that wasn’t half as amusing or as insightful!

So join the party as we celebrate the important insights that can only be gained from living and loving for the past five or six decades while laughing at the less-appreciated gifts that come with the A.G.E. syndrome. You may be hairier, heavier, and grumpier. But you’re not alone.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Aging With Ungirdled Passion - THE BOOK! Just published!


I am so pleased to announce the publication of "Aging With Ungirdled Passion" now available on amazon.com! It is a collection of new and expanded favorite essays on the gifts that come with reaching "a certain age." A must-read for anyone in possession of a uterus. PLUS it's only $2.99! 



Chapters and highlights include:
• My Ovaries Are Going Out of Business, And All My Clothing Is Half Off!
• Middle Age Has Turned Me Into A Real Mother Plucker
• When Your Uterus Has Fallen And It Can’t Get Up
• My Perfect Sleep Number Is Chardonnay
• I’ve Fought The Lard, And The Lard’s Won: Fallen Soldiers In The Battle of the Bulge
• Shift Happens; It’s Best To Be A Man About It.
• The Lyrics To “I’m Fifty And I Know It!”
And lots more!

It’s a fun, reflective read that’s cheaper than therapy and a whole lot more fun. I guarantee you’ve paid more for a latte and been much less stimulated and more for a sandwich that wasn’t half as amusing or as insightful!

So join the party! Get your copy here today! And remember, you may be hairier, heavier, and grumpier. But you’re not alone. Thanks to my wonderful readers for all their support!! You can now also follow Ungirdled Passion on twitter: 
https://twitter.com/Ungirdled

Friday, August 26, 2011

Sitting Empty In A Soon-To-Be- Eggless Nest!


As I write this, I am not only going through menopause, but my twin sons – my only children, my youngest and oldest – are leaving the nest. As you read this, they will have just moved into dorms at separate colleges. I am sitting eggless in what is about to be an empty nest. While I am both very excited and nervous for them — and for me — it doesn’t seem real. Doesn’t seem possible. Then I look at the tuition and housing bills, and I realize it’s all as real as I now know Kim Kardashian’s “back story” is since she made the wise and tasteful decision of having it X-rayed on TV to clear up any doubt. (I know Iam sleeping better since she took that brave step, and I have to imagine the rest of the country is, too.)

Please read the rest here. It's my monthly guest column for Health Bistro and Lifescript.com! To all my friends on the east coast, best wishes for riding out Irene! I will likely be unable to comment due to power loss for days, possibly weeks, but really appreciate your readership!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Female Role Models: Snooki vs. Samantha Stevens









I grew up wanting to be “bewitching” like Samantha, “lost in space” like Penny, and cleverly kick-butt like Agent 99. Those were my role models on TV, some of the females most revered in popular culture at the time. They were women and girls who used their wits (ok, and a little witchcraft) to save the day. Samantha was forever saving the bumbling Darren and his advertising accounts at McMann & Tate -usually on her wits alone. Penny was a space pioneer battling aliens and a wily Dr. Smith. Secret Agent 99 used her cunning and martial arts skills to get Maxwell Smart out of countless jams.

Fast forward 20 some years after my childhood (OK, 30…oh alright! 40!) and who do our young girls see capturing the media’s airtime and the public’s attention and admiration? The first female speaker of the house? Not so much. Female journalists? Only if they are on the E! network or TMZ. Women who lead the way in medicine, education or environmentalism? Not unless you count renaming cocaine “gum” once it’s found in your purse as a medical breakthrough or see turning “leaked” sex tapes into high-paying stardom as recycling and repurposing.

Read the rest here where I am guest-blogging at Health Bistro! Thanks so much for visiting!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Forget TMI; These Days There Can Be TMP

My pulse quickens. My hands shake. My colon tightens. I begin to sweat profusely. I can’t believe it’s happening again. I’ve just received a message that a friend has “tagged” a photo of me on facebook.

My mind races as my fingers fly across the keyboard. What event did I recently attend where someone had a camera? Or did my “friend” post a shot from back in the day that would be best hidden from the view of my children, my mother and local authorities? How quickly can I logon and view the photo and then “untag” it before everyone on my friend list (forget everyone on the friend’s friend list) can see the wattle and the roll of fat I fear is showing.

These are the worries in the age of TMP: Too Much Photography.

Seems everywhere you go these days, (read the rest here. Thanks for visiting!)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Spring Fever - What Are Your Symptoms?


This week we welcomed spring, and everyone I know is happy about it. Seems like this winter in particular was a messy, sloppy, irritating houseguest who long overstayed his welcome. As a result, many are catching spring fever, and I've realized we each present our own unique “symptoms” with this bug. Today I cover four I’ve recently observed. Do you have one of these particular symptoms? Find out here. It's my monthly guest column for the way-cool Health Bistro blog. I'd love to hear about your particular spring fever symptoms at the end of the post there. Thanks for visiting and commenting!

HAPPY SPRING!!

Greeting card at right sold here along with lots of other great things like fabulous birthday, Mother's Day and teachers' gifts!