Friday, July 4, 2014

Happy Fourth of July! Why The Fourth Would ALWAYS Be Celebrated In An All-Male World

Happy Fourth of July to all! In honor of this special day and all it represents, an excerpt from the "Holiday Celebration Gene" chapter of "Men & Women: Getting Into Each Other's Genes" on In this chapter we note that those possessing the WHY? chromosome seem to lack the "Holiday Celebration Gene," except in certain cases. One of those would be the Fourth of July. In an all-male world, this would be one holiday that would be observed. Frequently. See if you agree:

The Fourth of July

The Female Perspective:

In an all-male world, this holiday would probably be celebrated weekly throughout the summer, as it features four things men love: beer, meat, fire, and pyrotechnics. The USA is a ballsy nation, with ballsy beginnings. We fought hard for our independence and we continue to fight hard to protect it. Men feel there’s no better way to honor these truths than to take two of the biggest farm animals there are -- a pig and a cow -- and cook ‘em up in the form of hamburgers and hot dogs over an open flame while downing ale, the nectar of our forefathers. After drinking lots of ale, they ignite small explosives in the backyard. Because of men’s dominant Me Like Fire Genes, backyard Fourth of July fireworks shows double as entertainment and sport and provide continued employment for area firefighters and emergency room personnel. Yes, this is the American way, or actually, the male way, to celebrate a holiday.

Ladies, please don’t make the same mistake I did one Fourth of July by NOT serving a meat that formerly wore hooves. Thinking of my guests’ health, I served turkey and veggie burgers for our Fourth of July party. You would have thought I had doused the flag in kerosene and put it on the grill. The men in the group thought they’d received a “bum steer,” and I was deemed unpatriotic. Even my devoted father joined in the mutiny, calling out, “Happy Thanksgiving!” as everyone came through the buffet. I learned the hard way that if you can catch it and kill it with your bare hands, it is not worthy of your Fourth of July table – at least to the male guests at your party. Men will say they’re all for replacing beef with turkey and tofu – just not while they’re eating.

The Man’s Take:

Okay, guys. Go ahead and take a deep breath here before reading on. I know after reading the above you are likely fuming and assuming my sister is either British or a communist. Our family thought so too after the fowl turkey burger atrocity, so we had her vetted, and she is indeed American. Hey, tolerance, acceptance and inclusion are what make this country great. We don’t put to the sword those who serve turkey burgers on the Most Holy of Holidays. Fortunately, there are men still alive to tell the tale of that fateful Fourth of July that will live in infamy. For years, we kept that debacle quiet to save my sister from the angry mobs with pitchforks and torches that would have surely overrun her house if word got out. We started a day of remembrance that we observe every July 3rd. The survivors of the day gather around a pit into which we drop a couple of turkey burgers and … gag… veggie “dogs” as an offering to the Fourth of July gods. We then roast a proper meal over the flame: a special meat masterpiece created by a local artisan butcher who deals only in hooved meats. He makes up the hooved version of the turduken for the ritual we call the “Cowpigal.” It is a small calf (veal) placed inside a pig that is then placed inside a cow. Although July 3rd is a somber affair, we rejoice in the knowledge that, by the dawn’s early light, the new day will bring our rockets’ red glare and proof through the night that our beef is still there. For ours is the land of the free and the home of the beef! Can I get an Amen?

Best wishes for a happy, healthy, safe Fourth to you and yours! 

(Find "Men & Women: Getting Into Each Other's Genes" on as both an ebook for $3.99 and paperback for $8.99. Great anniversary or birthday gift!)

No comments:

Post a Comment