Monday, March 8, 2010

Do You Look Like You Feel?

Do you look like you feel?

I go around feeling like this:

Of course I don’t think I look like that! I know I don’t. Not anywhere close. Not in the same ballpark, neighborhood of even hemisphere of it, it’s just that If I had to visualize how I feel, this is how I visualize me. Then, I will unfortunately, see a photo of myself someone’s recently taken, and immediately I feel like I look like this:

The stomach! The wattle! The dried-out hair…it’s hard to take it all in. I exercise, I only eat 27% of what I WANT to eat in a day; I take tons of vitamins; I try to get enough sleep, but there it is. I am old and dumpy. Far from what I looked like in high school, and of course, intellectually, I know I don't look like I looked in high school, but I still feel the same spirit-wise.

Then, time goes by and I forget about the photo (can you spell “post traumatic stress disorder?) and happily go about life. Recently, I was happily going about life while some contractors were over to tend to the effects left by having a new door installed (of course, installing the door uncovered tons of rotten wood around the door frame which lot$ had to be done to correct. (Can you spell home ownership: the pantload that keeps on giving?) Anyhoo… I’m making out the check for the head contractor dude, when he asks, “You know who you look like?” While I know the answer will NOT be Cameron Diaz or anyone close to it, you naturally think, when someone makes a point of saying, “You know who you look like?” it’s going to be really flattering. That they're going to name someone a little younger, someone you could only hope to look like if they are saying it to your face and especially IF YOU ARE WRITING OUT A CHECK TO THEM AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT. I asked, with trepidation, “Who’s that?” Wait for it… Wait for it….

“Bonnie Hunt!”

“Really?” I asked, trying to sound pleased and not totally deflated.

“Yes! You look just like her! Do you know who she is?”

“Yes,” I reply trying to continue writing vs. visually tasering contractor dude. “I love her.” Which I do. I really, really do. It’s just that I wanted him to say someone younger than me, not someone a year older. You never want to hear you look like someone older or even close to your age. (Naturally, I immediately looked up Bonnie’s age right after the contractor left to see how old I was looking to the unbiased, outspoken local contractor population.)

While looking up Bonnie’s age, I found lots of photos of her. Looking at them, I realized I would be happy and lucky to look like Bonnie Hunt or remind anyone of her. She is a wonderfully warm, happy, funny, kind and beautiful woman – at least that’s what I think of when I think of her, and if that’s at all how I present myself to the world, then I am very lucky indeed. Stomach, wattle and all. (I'm talking about my wattle and stomach - not Bonnie's - she doesn't seem to have those things, and if she does, mine certainly trump hers!)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Oprah Makes Me Feel Bad, But This Time I Think It’s Worth It

When it comes to guilt trips, I have logged more mileage points with Oprah than I have with US Air, American Airlines and my mother COMBINED. Oprah makes me feel bad for so many reasons. Thanks to her constant crusades, I feel I should be eating a "kinder" diet, reading better books, doing more for charity and saving better (that Suzy Orman can really give you a good scolding). I’ve realized I’ve been plucking my eyebrows all wrong. Oprah has even let me know I poop wrong. It should look like an “S” according to the big O and her experts. And, thanks to Oprah, I know that chances are I have been wearing THE WRONG BRA my entire breast-toting life. Now she is making me feel bad about something I suspect you should feel bad about too, and I’m glad.

In case you haven’t heard, Oprah’s latest crusade is to get as many people as possible to take a pledge to make our cars “no phone zones.” According to Oprah, Nearly 500,000 people are injured and 6,000 are killed each year because drivers are talking, texting and e-mailing behind the wheel.

I am not a big cell phone user. My boys are constantly chiding me for how little I know about my cell phone. I think too many in our society are pathetic cell phone addicts. While shopping, I daydream of tasering fellow shoppers who insist on loudly blathering about the most inane minutiae on their cell phones - especially those lugging poor, neglected tots with them. I also think it is incredibly rude to have someone constantly scanning their phone, crackberry - or whatever they have - while you’re talking to them. I don’t do any of that, but I confess I have, on occasion, taken or made a call while driving. Studies now show it is just as dangerous as drinking and driving – something I would never consider doing. So, I have taken Oprah's "No Phone Zone" pledge and knew you, as a sister (or brother) of the Ungirdled Nation would want to consider doing it, too.

To see some very compelling arguments and videos for signing the pledge, go to and hit the “no phone zone” icon to the right. (Or click here after reading this post.) Once there, you can also access and sign the pledge to make your car a no phone zone and lessen the chance that you or someone you love will be killed or injured due to cell phone use while driving. I can pretty much guarantee after seeing just this or this, you’ll think it’s the right thing to do. There are three different pledge options from "I will not text while driving," to "I will not text or use my phone while I am driving. If I need to use my phone, I will pull over to the side of the road."

I know, I know. It’s easy for Oprah to preach no talking or texting while driving. I’m sure she has a driver taking her everywhere, just as she has a chef cooking her kinder diet, a personal accountant helping her save, and millions of dollars to help charity. I'm sorry for the less-than- light-hearted post this go around, but I know you agree 6,000 deaths a year due to using something we easily (and literally!) lived without until just recently is enough to make you want to say “amen” to this sermon.

Images from "No Phone Zone" page