The Fourth of July
The Female Perspective:
In an all-male world, this holiday would probably be
celebrated weekly throughout the summer, as it features four things men love: beer, meat,
fire, and pyrotechnics. The USA is a ballsy nation, with ballsy beginnings. We
fought hard for our independence and we continue to fight hard to protect it.
Men feel there’s no better way to honor these truths than to take two of the
biggest farm animals there are -- a pig and a cow -- and cook ‘em up in the
form of hamburgers and hot dogs over an open flame while downing ale, the
nectar of our forefathers. After drinking lots of ale, they ignite small
explosives in the backyard. Because of men’s dominant Me Like Fire Genes,
backyard Fourth of July fireworks shows double as entertainment and sport and provide continued
employment for area firefighters and emergency room personnel. Yes, this is the
American way, or actually, the male way, to celebrate a holiday.
Ladies, please don’t make the same mistake I did one Fourth of July by NOT serving a meat that formerly
wore hooves. Thinking of my guests’ health, I served turkey and veggie burgers
for our Fourth of July party. You would have thought I had doused the flag in
kerosene and put it on the grill. The men in the group thought they’d received a “bum
steer,” and I was deemed unpatriotic. Even my devoted father joined in the
mutiny, calling out, “Happy Thanksgiving!” as everyone came through the buffet.
I learned the hard way that if you can catch it and kill it with your bare
hands, it is not worthy of your Fourth of July table – at least to the male
guests at your party. Men will say they’re all for replacing beef with turkey and tofu –
just not while they’re eating.
The
Man’s Take:
Okay,
guys. Go ahead and take a deep breath here before reading on. I know after
reading the above you are likely fuming and assuming my sister is either
British or a communist. Our family thought so too after the fowl turkey burger
atrocity, so we had her vetted, and she is indeed American. Hey, tolerance,
acceptance and inclusion are what make this country great. We don’t put to the
sword those who serve turkey burgers on the Most Holy of Holidays. Fortunately,
there are men still alive to tell the tale of that fateful Fourth of July that
will live in infamy. For years, we kept that debacle quiet to save my sister
from the angry mobs with pitchforks and torches that would have surely overrun
her house if word got out. We started a day of remembrance that we observe
every July 3rd. The survivors of the day gather around a pit into which we drop
a couple of turkey burgers and … gag… veggie “dogs” as an offering to the
Fourth of July gods. We then roast a proper meal over the flame: a special meat
masterpiece created by a local artisan butcher who deals only in hooved meats.
He makes up the hooved version of the turduken for the ritual we call the
“Cowpigal.” It is a small calf (veal) placed inside a pig that is then placed
inside a cow. Although July 3rd is a somber affair, we rejoice in the knowledge
that, by the dawn’s early light, the new day will bring our rockets’ red glare
and proof through the night that our beef is still there. For ours is the land
of the free and the home of the beef! Can I get an Amen?
Best wishes for a happy, healthy, safe Fourth to you and yours!
(Find "Men & Women: Getting Into Each Other's Genes" on amazon.com as both an ebook for $3.99 and paperback for $8.99. Great anniversary or birthday gift!)
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