Monday, June 15, 2009

"Real" Housewives Of New Jersey: There's Been Some De-Flowering In The Garden State!

Forgive me, Ungirdled Sisters and Brothers, for I have sinned.  I have met the devil.  It is Bravo TV.  And I have fallen prey to the devil’s temptations over and over again. I am so ashamed to have to confess that I have watched all the episodes of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

For the uninitiated, these “housewives” are about as real-life as the “bubbies” (their word for boobies) they sport.  (We even get to see one get her new bubbies on the show while being advised by two of the “housewives” who had already purchased theirs.)  They each live in mini-mansions. By this, I mean unbelievably expensive, GINORMOUS homes.  Their days are filled with spa treatments, shopping at the most expensive boutiques, getting cosmetic surgery, taking appointments with their children’s modeling and acting agents, being the subject of photo shoots,  organizing and/or attending flashy charity events, and oh, so much more.  

There’s even an ex-model divorced mom of two girls (10 & 15) who has a boyfriend 20 years younger who she reportedly “services” on a regular basis.  (We get to see her offering to do so in the bathroom of a restaurant they’re dining in.)  This "housewife" counts her daughters as her “best friends.” After she breaks it off with the younger “man,” she tells her girls that he has promised to remain in the girls’ lives.  The girls say they don’t believe it, adding that all the guys mom dates eventually disappear.  The oldest daughter tells mom the men just want her for “her goodies.”  How convenient to have your 15-year-old best friend living with you to point out the painfully obvious and ugly truth of your life.  It’s been revealed this particular “real housewife” was allegedly a stripper and allegedly has a rap sheet that includes extortion, kidnapping and possession.  Well, don’t all us housewives?  I'm sure most of us have fond memories of our first kidnapping/extortion/possession arrests … but I digress.

Just another strippin', breast-enhancin', 
kidnappin', extortin' day in the neighborhood
for the "Real" Housewives of New Jersey.

This show packs way more trash in an hour of TV than Tony Soprano ever did in a season of the Sopranos.  Seeing these women lead what appears to be incredibly frivolous and lavish lifestyles while so many are struggling to make ends meet makes me want to run out and commit enough charitable acts to make Mother Teresa look like a real slouch.  Yet, I cannot stop watching. 

I recently confessed this to my neighborhood girlfriends who admitted they too had at least seen snippets of some of “The Real Housewives” shows.  (There was one set in Orange County, one in Atlanta, and one in New York.)  We all laughed at how different our lifestyles are from the “real” housewives on these shows.  We said our “fashion shows” are trips down the main aisle of Target to see what’s on the end caps of the women’s clothing department.  Our cocktail parties and charitable fundraising efforts amount to beers fished from a cooler on someone’s deck as we discuss the PTA used book sale.  Cosmetic procedures or spa days equal the spare minute we sometimes find to pull out the tweezers and razor. 

Truth is, there is nothing “real,” nothing healthy, nothing helpful about the “Real Housewives.”  So, realizing the error of my ways, I will no longer be watching the show.  At least not after tomorrow’s finale.  (From the previews, it looks like the one with the new bubbies turns a table over on the stripper/kidnapper/possessin’/extortionist!!  Don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen anything like that in my neighborhood.  At least not this week.)

You can read more about my sinful obsession here on Bravo TV's website where the above photo came from.  You can probably catch all the episodes of the show on Bravo before the finale, as Bravo airs each about 73 times a day.  That's how the devil led me astray.  There would always be one on while I was fixing supper and had the kitchen TV on.  The devil is very crafty.

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