Monday, August 10, 2009

Beach Etiquette - Missus Manners Guest Blogs!

Today, Missus Manners guest blogs with some tips on beach etiquette, which I find quite a coincidence, as yours truly lives at the beach and has been frequenting the shore as of late!  Feel free to print these out for beach goers you encounter who are in need of such tips.  Thanks for guest-blogging, Missus Manners!

Gentle Neanderthals Readers who happen to smoke, please know that most folks who visit the beach prefer to inhale the fresh salt air, not cancerous, noxious cigarette fumes, however classy and sophisticated you are while smoking.  ('tis hard to believe, I confess!)  Therefore, please consider your distance to others' beach blankets before lighting up.  Additionally, some folks feel your spent butts should be considered refuse and not beach decorations and wish you to kindly deposit them in the nearest waste receptacle.  

Similarly, Gentle Reader, when visiting the shore, most hope to enjoy the sights and smells of the ocean, and not (how do we put this gently?) that of which was once your pet’s breakfast now  used and redistributed.  If you must bring Rover, please obey the leash laws and bring a plastic bag for prompt waste removal. 

Nearly all will agree the sound of waves crashing on the shore is one of nature’s most soothing melodies.  Why override Mother Nature’s wonderful composition with the vocal stylings of Ghostface Killa or Snoop Dogg played at the highest volume on your portable music player or radio?  While tastes in musical artists vary, I think we can all agree the WAVE station plays universally pleasant music.  Let’s all tune into it while at the oceanfront, shall we?

For those of you with young children screaming and crying on the beach, you are in luck, as Missus Manners is an expert in child psychology.  She has been trained to recognize that when a young one is continuously screaming and crying, it can be interpreted to mean that the child is not enjoying their current predicament and should therefore be removed from it.  

Some pointers on beach attire:  Please keep in mind one should select at least his or her usual size and not three sizes smaller than what one would typically wear when selecting a swimsuit.  Choosing a large enough size will make us all a lot more comfortable.  Perhaps your desire to share your many tattoos, no matter where they appear, accounts for your preference for more skimpy fashions, but Missus Manners assures you that those special areas should only be shared with your significant other Neanderthal.

While we're on the subject, thanks ever so much, Gentle Reader, for your willingness and enthusiasm to turn the beachfront into a Discovery Channel special on the mating of your species, but perhaps we should leave such an education to a private discussion with the parents of our young beach goers.  

Finally, dearest beachfront tourist, you should know that while you may consider the local seagulls cute, exotic creatures that are entertaining to feed bits of your sandwich to, beach residents see your coaxing them as an irritant.  If you absolutely cannot refrain from feeding the vermin seagulls, please do so far away from other beach goers.  As hard as it is to imagine, not everyone adores having these squawking, defecating rats-with-wings dive-bombing them as much as you seem to. 

As always, Gentle Reader, I am glad I could be of service.  If you have any beach etiquette you would care to share, please do so by clicking on the word "comments" below and adding your advice.  Toodles!


  1. ahaha, I love this post! I especially like the one for smokers and for the screaming children's parents, wahaha. But nithing beats the 3-sizes smaller swim wear! I enjoyed reading this, thanks!

  2. All this just reminds me of how unhappy I am when visiting a crowded beach, hence my un-going to one the last years. Sometime I may rekindle the old flame from my childhood.

  3. You certainly know your stuff, Mrs. Manners. I myself like nude beaches. Any etiquette suggestions for where I should put my lip balm?

  4. evil squirrel - thanks! I am afraid, like Missus Manners, I have witnessed all three types of offenders!

    Wynn- You shouldn't let the offenders stop you from going to the beach. Overall, it's the best place on earth!

    JD - Missus Manners relayed that you may like to keep your lip balm next to wherever it is you keep your modesty. She also reminds you to buy extra sunscreen! Thanks for visiting!