Have A Happy Period? You Just Know A Man Came Up With That One.

For those of you who enjoyed last Friday’s blog regarding making tampons and maxi pads more like fortune cookies, longtime friend, college roommate and alert blog reader Flo* has submitted this ideal follow-up.  I apologize if you’ve seen it before, but I had to be sure you saw it.  It's just precious.  It's a love letter written by Wendi Aarons who has her own hilarious blog to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine hygiene products.  It allegedly won PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail letter.   I think Wendi eloquently speaks for the Ungirdled sisterhood here:

Dear  Mr. Thatcher, 

I have been a loyal user of your “Always” maxi  pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer  clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is  that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my  pants. 

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right  now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an  inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? 

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo.” Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. 

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I  opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive  backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny, middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?  WELL DID IT, JAMES?  FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack  yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house  just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a  hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of  glory. 

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like “Put down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong?” 

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. .  . 

Best, 

Wendi  Aarons 

Remember to check out Wendi's blog!

Really swell greeting card shown above (and more like it) can be purchased at Bottman Design.

*All friends mentioned in this blog shall be referred to as Flo (not actual name) to protect the guilty and cover my Ungirdled arse!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!  Period!

Whoopi Goldberg: Ungirdled Celebrity Of The Week!

Ungirdled hair, Ungirdled words, Ungirdled heart, Ungirdled talent.  There are so many reasons to love Whoopi Goldberg: her many wonderful roles in movies (over 100) and on Broadway, her comedy routines, her charitable work, and her enviable patience with the yet-to-be-Ungirdled Elisabeth Hasselback on The View. 

Whoopi is one of only ten people who can claim the honor of winning an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony Award, as well as a Daytime Emmy Award!  She was the first woman to host the Academy Awards solo!  She also has her own production company.

For decades, Whoopi has tirelessly worked for a host of charitable and community causes including AIDS, children’s issues, healthcare, homelessness and substance abuse.  She has said, “I fear waking up one morning and finding out that my life was for nothing. We’re here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark.”

More Ungirdled Quotes From Whoopi:

“Normal is in the eye of the beholder.”

“Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine”

“. . . what I am is a humanist before anything -- before I'm a Jew, before I'm black, before I'm a woman. And my beliefs are for the human race -- they don't exclude anyone.”

“An actress can only play a woman. I'm an actor, I can play anything.”

“That's the thing about Mother Nature, she really doesn't care what economic bracket you're in.”

"I am an artist; art has no color and no sex."

"I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation."

Things you might not know about Whoopi:

•  She was born “Caryn Elaine Johnson" on November 13, 1955. She got the name “Whoopi Cushion” as a child due to a problem with flatulence.  She later shortened the name to “Whoopi,” and made Whoopi Goldberg her legal name, honoring the Jewish side of her family (and, obviously, her ability to pass wind!  You gotta love the Ungirdledness of that!) 

•  She’s been diagnosed as having both dyslexia and ADHD.

•  Before making it big in the entertainment industry, Whoopi worked as a bricklayer, a make-up artist at a mortuary and a bank teller.

Click here for a small taste of Whoopi's Ungirdled style during a recent interview on The View in which she (rightfully, it seems) calls Glenn Beck “a lying sack of dog mess.”  You can't get a whole lot more Ungirdled than that.  

Oral Sex Is The New Goodnight Kiss?

When I was 11, I came home after hanging out in the neighborhood to ask my mother an important question.  I had overheard some slightly older girls whispering about French kissing.  I was naturally very curious about it, and couldn’t wait to verify the definition with my mother.  I was almost sure it must be what you always saw Pepe Le Pew doing to Penelope, the poor, striped cat he was forever chasing around and mistaking for a female skunk.  Remember how he would mutter “Oh Cherie,” as he rapidly kissed his way from her terrified had to her trembling shoulder?  That must be what French kissing was; I just needed to verify it with my mother before showing off my knowledge.

“Mom,” I asked as she stood at the kitchen sink prepping dinner, “What’s French kissing?”  She turned to look at me with the most shocked and horrified expression, and then shrieked, “IT IS UPPER PERSUASION FOR A LOWER INVASION, AND THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW!” 

I ran to my room feeling more confused than ever.   “What is persuasion?  What is a lower invasion?” I wondered.  Whatever they are, they must be very wrong and awful.  There were a few things I knew for sure, though.  I wouldn’t ask my mother anything about kissing EVER again, and Pepe Le Pew was a really bad skunk.  I wasn’t sure why, but I knew what he was doing to Penelope was wrong.  (I guess today it would be called sexual harassment, but that’s another post.)   That incident was pretty much the extent of my sex education for a loooong time.  Unfortunately, you can’t say the same for many of today’s girls.

On The View Friday, the co-hosts interviewed Sharlene Azam, author of the new book, Oral Sex Is The New Goodnight Kiss.  During the interview, Azam discussed the many interviews she’s conducted with Canadian teens and their parents which revealed many young girls are not only having oral sex with multiple partners in a single night, but they are casually selling sexual favors in exchange for homework, cash and designer duds. According to Azam, girls will wear specific lipstick shades to identify “how talented” they are when it comes to “job” performance.  Azam reports that more and more girls from what we would consider to be “good” homes are being recruited into prostitution rings. (She reports learning one 11-year-old girl sold her virginity to a 40-year-old man for $1,000.)  She says many more girls they we would ever suspect – in our own neighborhoods - are involved.  The girls seem to think $20 for 5 minutes work is great pay.  She notes that seeing girls suddenly showing up with lots of new clothes and handbags is often a tip-off that they’re engaged in such behavior.  She discusses all this in further detail in her new book (which comes with a DVD of Azam's documentary, see the link below) which you can get a peek at on her website.

I know I hear these types of stories far too often lately.  I think we have to ask ourselves some important questions.  Why are girls (and boys!  Let’s not forget they’re participating!) engaging in this behavior at younger and younger ages?  With such frequency and with so many different people?  How are girls getting the message that they’re second class citizens, who should service males to in an effort to gain male attention or monetary compensation?  That being a sex object defines their worth?  When and how did boys get the message that this is what girls do and it’s OK?  When did having a committed, meaningful, mature (ADULT) relationship get detached from sex?   It’s beyond time we ask these questions and let our young girls and boys know that they are worthy of better.  Can’t we reach a happy medium between “IT’S UPPER PERSUASION FOR A LOWER INVASION AND THAT’S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW,” and Oral Sex Is The New Goodnight Kiss?    

Click here for a walk down memory lane with Pepe & Penelope 

Click here for a bit of the documentary that accompanies Azam's book

(This post serves as Monday's Memorial Day post, since it's a holiday weekend.  New post scheduled for Tuesday.)

Have A Happy Period! (Really!)

A fun, budget-friendly & easy-to-make gift idea for your girlfriends who are still menstruating!  Also, a sweet new book for the children in your life!

Don’t those commercials for feminine hygiene products with the tagline, “Have A Happy Period,” bug you?  AS IF.  Periods are never happy – until now!!

Here's an idea for making a special gift for your best girlfriend that will actually allow her to “have a happier period!” Wouldn't it be fun if tampons and maxi pads came with happy little messages like fortune cookies?! 

You'll need to purchase a box of the tampons or pads your friend likes. Snoop around her bathroom the next time you’re over to find out her faves.  Then, just copy and print out the messages below, cut them into strips, and roll them around tampons, securing  with rubber bands or a little piece of clear tape.  For maxi pads, just fold the messages and tuck them inside each pad’s wrapper.  (If you want to get really fancy, you can print the messages on home printer labels.) After adding a message to each tampon or pad, close the box and place a bow – red of course – on the outside.  Won’t your girlfriend’s “monthly gift” be much more fun with this thoughtful, useful gift from you?!  Here are messages to start you off.  I'm sure you'll come up with a few of your own:

•  Congratulations!  This is your license to eat unlimited amounts of chocolate and bitch a lot!

•  Honey, red is your color!

•  Good news!  You can still go horseback riding!

•  Confucius say:  When red tide come in, is best to go with flow.

•  Good news!  You can still go swimming! 

•  Confucius say:  She who see red is lucky.  Means she will not be seeing pink or blue!

•  Sometimes periods feel more like exclamation points! 

•  Cheer up!  It could be a diaper you’re changing!

•  The way periods affect our moods, they should call these INSANE-itary napkins!

•  Have a bloody good day, mate!

•  When you stop having periods it’s called menopause.  Lucky for you, having your period means:  Men.  On pause.  No need to have a headache tonight!

•  Where’s Moses when you need him to part the red sea?

•  Today’s horoscope:  don’t wear white pants.

Need a gift for a child in your life?  Try this sweet, beautiful book, Annatasia Pickering written and illustrated by two wonderful women I know!  Read about them and get a preview of the first few pages by clicking  here.

Or you can order through Amazon:

Thanks for visiting!  Have a great holiday weekend!  See you next week!

It Must Be Good To Be King

For those of you who don’t know, I am the zookeeper mother of 16 year-old twin orges boys.   Most of you Ungirdled women who have/had teenagers will relate. 

They were THE sweetest children.  They actually seemed to like us and even thought we might know a little more than they do.  That all started to change just a couple months before their thirteenth birthday, or as we now say, just before they turned TURDteen.

Now, of course, my husband and I are the lamest, stupidest, MOST EMBARASSING people on the planet. Yet we somehow produced the two smartest people in the universe.  If you have teens, you know what I am talking about.  If you don’t and you think you might want children, forget that carrying-around-an-egg-for a-week-thing to see if you’re up to the job.  Just borrow a teen (there are tons of willing parents!) and parent that teen for a couple hours.  If you can do this and still think handling teenagers is no big deal, then by all means, go ahead.  But, before you do, please go sign up for the special forces - they could really use a few people like you.

Our two teen-type “people” not only think of my husband and I as lame, embarrassing morons, they think of us as servants.  Consider the love notes our angels taped outside their bedroom doors for us last night.  (I should preface by saying my husband and I wake our angels from their slumber each morning.  This week, local high schools are conducting SOL testing which means students can go in much later than normal when they don’t have an SOL test scheduled, which mine did not.)

Anyhoooo…this is the love note left by Thing One in about 157 point type: 

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES,

GET ME UP ANY EARLIER THAN 8:35 A.M.

 

And this beautiful letter was penned by Thing Two:

If it is earlier than 8:25 a.m.,

turn around and walk away.

If you are still having difficulty,

proceed to jump face-first off the balcony.

“Touching,” said my husband as he and I stood outside their rooms reading these love letters around 7:00 a.m.  “Yes,” I acknowledged.  “Makes me want to reach out and touch the authors.”  My husband then said, “I guess dem boys plum forgot dat I’s too stupid to know how to tell time,” just before he began rapidly and loudly pounding on their doors well before the “allowable” times. 

I love that embarrassing moron-servant.

Greeting card featured can be purchased (along with a lot of other terrific cards) at Bottman Design under Reel Life Cards.  

Chipotle Tamale Pie - Ungirdled Recipe Of The Week!

If you're like me, you are always in search of an easy (UNGIRDLED), tasty, nutritious, and budget-friendly recipe. Well, here’s one!  It comes from Ingrid Hoffmann at Food Network (check out their helpful site.  (I have made it several times in the last couple of months and my family loves it.  Currently, this recipe has a five star rating out of 222 reviews on Food Network's site!)  Ingrid hosts FN's Simply Deliscioso – you gotta love that title, and when you watch, you can’t help but love Ingrid.  She is one cute tamale!  Here's her recipe with my suggestions based on my experiences making it:

Ingredients

1 tablespoon unsalted butter, at room temperature

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 pound, lean ground turkey (sometimes all I can find at my grocery are 20 oz. packages which I use just fine.)

1 medium yellow onion, chopped  (I used the frozen chopped onions you buy in bags to make it super easy)

1 green bell pepper, diced

2 garlic cloves, finely minced

2 teaspoons ground cumin

1 (15-ounce) can pinto beans, drained and rinsed

1 (8-ounce) can diced tomatoes (I can’t find a can this small, so I use the regular size and drain it – works out well)

2 chipotle chiles, plus 1 teaspoon adobo sauce, from can chipotle in adobo  (You can find these in the Mexican foods aisle of the grocery in small cans.  My family likes things hot, but if you don’t, you might want to use ½ or 2/3 this amount until you discover how much heat is right for you.)

1 cup grated Cheddar  (I have used the Mexican cheese blend when that’s what I have on hand and it works well, too.)

1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro leaves

1 (8.5-ounce) package cornbread mix (I always use Jiffy)

1 egg

1/3 cup milk

Directions

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Grease an 8-inch baking dish with the butter and set it aside.

Heat the olive oil in a nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add the ground turkey, the onions, green peppers, and garlic and cook until the turkey is no longer pink and is cooked through, about 8 minutes. Drain off any excess fat and sprinkle the meat mixture with the cumin.

Add the beans, tomatoes, chiles and adobo sauce to the skillet and bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to medium and simmer until heated through and slightly thickened, about 5 minutes. Remove pan from the heat and stir in the cheese and cilantro.

Spread the turkey mixture in the prepared baking dish, pressing down on it with the back of a spoon to make an even, compact layer.

Combine the cornbread mix with milk and egg. Spread the cornbread batter over the turkey mixture and bake until the cornbread is golden-brown, 20 to 25 minutes. Let the tamale pie stand for 5 minutes before cutting into squares and serving.

I like to top this with a dollop of sour cream – adds a cooling taste and texture - and serve with a salad of crisp romaine, corn, avocado, black beans, chopped tomato and onion with ranch dressing.  Enjoy!!

Prep Time:  20 min

Cook Time: 40 min

Difficulty Level:  UNGIRDLED!

Serves:  Ingrid says 8, but if you have any teenage-type boys in you house , you're gonna need a margarita or two with this and you need to know this won't feed 8 of those type of creatures, I mean people.  our family of four (including two of the aforementioned teenagers) leaves no more than two servings of this yummy stuff which makes for a wonderful lunch the next day.

 

This week’s Ungirdled Celebrity: Amy Sedaris!

For those of you who don’t know Amy, where do I start?  She has co-starred in a number of movies including Elf, Maid in Manhattan, and Shrek).  She has appeared in a ton of TV series including Sex And The City, My Name Is Earl, Rescue Me and The Closer.  She is a favorite guest on Letterman, Conan, and many other talk shows.  She is the little sister of David Sedaris, and she is the author of one of my favorite books: I Like You:  Hospitality Under The Influence.  If you don’t have a copy, I highly recommend you change that, and lucky you, it recently came out in paperback!  (Although I think the hardcover edition is worth every penny as it is so visually stunning, I consider it a coffee table book.)

If you are an Ungirdled woman in her 40s or 50s, you will delight in the photos.  Everything was shot in Amy’s apartment and, she is an accomplished collector of all things retro.  Flipping through this beautiful book is like taking a trip back through your childhood.  The copy and features are HILARIOUS (Amy demonstrating how to properly put on pantyhose made me cry I was laughing so hard) and there are lots of really useful tips and recipes included.  It’s a terrific girlfriend gift.  It's also just been announced Amy will follow up this book with one devoted to crafts!  

 

Here are just a few of the things (and there are MANY) that make Amy Ungirdled (discover more on her website):

•  She taught Martha Stewart how to make a grilled cheese sandwich in prison by using an iron... in 2001. She also gave Martha a squirrel-shaped wooden bong which she carved herself, and told her it was packed.

•  She makes seasonal hats for her taxidermied squirrel, Winks, such as a pilgrim's buckle hat for Thanksgiving, and Indian headdress for an Indian summer.  (I loved learning this as I do the same for a very large wooden flamingo at our house!)

•  She collects fake food (plaster meat and vegetables), but won't buy it online because she considers that "cheating."  (She’s absolutely right.  It is.)

•  At an Obie awards reception, when Ethan Hawke told Amy that she had the prettiest dress at the party, she told him, "It looks better on the floor. You could talk me out of it."

Here, for your viewing enjoyment, is a link to just one of the many clips of Amy on David Letterman on YouTube.  Watching her is like having two cocktails without the calories!  I like that in a person.  You can see tons of clips of Amy on lots of other shows there, too.  You can even see her making Chelsea Handler a bit uncomfortable (how Ungirdled do you need to be to do that?!) in a clip where, while being interviewed by Chelsea, Amy produces a felt replica (beautifully crafted by Amy’s designer pal Todd Oldman) of a female hoo-ha that she uses to demonstrate how to properly clean said area for Chelsea’s audience.  I told you she is full of handy tips!

Just One Of Many Clips From Amy On Letterman 

Let’s Not Panic – YET.

(First of "Feedback Fridays" - Krispy Kreme alternatives & one VERY SPECIAL t-shirt!)

We Ungirdled Women are nothing if not adaptable, resourceful, innovative improvisers.  I believe when faced with possible catastrophe, you should have an emergency plan so you can be prepared for the worst, should it come.  So that is just what the Ungirdled Sisterhood shall do.

We must face the truth.   We may very well lose Krispy Kreme.  How can we prepare?  By having some worthy substitutes for the little pieces of heaven known as hot Krispy Kreme glazed donuts ready in our snacking arsenals.  True, nothing will be as good.  But let’s not let that stop us from working together to come up with the best tasting alternatives we can. I URGE YOU TO LEAVE YOUR KRISPY KREME REPLACEMENT SUGGESTIONS AS COMMENTS (just click the word "comments" below this post), and together, we can weather this storm, should it actually come ashore.  YES, WE CAN!

Here are my two offerings:  Krispy Kreme Donut Bread Pudding (see Wednesday’s post) made with the best glazed donuts you can find at your grocery store.  My second idea is Panera Bread’s Cinnamon Crunch Bagels, lightly toasted, with their honey walnut cream cheese.  I get these whenever we have out-of-town guests.  I have learned not to buy them the night before, but the morning of the PLANNED eating time, as they are devoured before morning if I get them too early.  Again, not as good as a hot Krispy Kreme – those NEVER have made it out of the Krispy Kreme parking lot – but a decent substitution. 

To make up for breaking the sad news about Krispy Kreme to you this week,

HERE IS SOMETHING SURE TO MAKE YOU LAUGH UNTIL YOU CRY OR LOSE BLADDER CONTROL!

At least it did me.

Longtime friend and alert follower Jewel called attention to this gem on Facebook yesterday.  I urge you to go to this link for the three wolf moon t-shirt, look at the product, and then read the reviews (you can either click 108 customer reviews or scroll to the bottom of the page.  YOU WILL NOT BE SORRY).  You might also get a kick out of what "customers who viewed this item also viewed."  

 

HERE'S A FUN PARTY IDEA:  buy one of the Three Wolf Moon t-shirts in XL, print out the various reviews on card stock, have party guests pick one from a hat, give them 15 minutes to practice their review, and have each of them stick in some Billy-Bob teeth and take turns donning the shirt and giving the review in the manner they think the review's author would want it delivered.  As they do this, videotape them for a "commercial" you’ll share later with them on CD or DVD burned on your computer!  If folks don't have their own set of Billy Bob teeth (makes me wonder why you're friends with them if they don't) you can use black olives over some of your front teeth to create a pretty nice black or knocked-out tooth effect.  See!  You don't need Martha Stewart for entertaining ideas if you have me!

I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE for making my first week of blogging so much fun!  Everyone has been so nice, so welcoming and encouraging!  I feel the love and shoot it right back atcha!  I realize I still have TONS to learn and I’m so grateful you’re along for the ride.  I have been visiting lots of other blogs (A special thanks to Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat for giving me a shout-out in their post today!  Check them out!  Great, fun blog!  I will continue to add to my list of favorites on my blogroll in my complete profile – just click “view my complete profile” on the left.)  I have noticed other bloggers include a FAQs section for their readers in their profiles, so even though I’m new, I wanted to do the same for you, so mine now appears to the left.  I think I have also figured out, for the many of you who have asked, how to add a gadget for you to easily get email subscriptions!  Tryout the button in the upper left corner of this window.  Thanks for subscribing/following/bookmarkin' and telling others!  Thanks to you, word seems to spreadin' as quickly as my Ungirdled behind!

Thanks for all the love!  Have a great weekend!  See you Monday!  DON’T FORGET TO LEAVE YOUR KRISPY KREME SNACK ALTERNATIVE AS A COMMENT BELOW!