Friday, May 29, 2009

Have A Happy Period? You Just Know A Man Came Up With That One.

For those of you who enjoyed last Friday’s blog regarding making tampons and maxi pads more like fortune cookies, longtime friend, college roommate and alert blog reader Flo* has submitted this ideal follow-up.  I apologize if you’ve seen it before, but I had to be sure you saw it.  It's just precious.  It's a love letter written by Wendi Aarons who has her own hilarious blog to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine hygiene products.  It allegedly won PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail letter.   I think Wendi eloquently speaks for the Ungirdled sisterhood here:

Dear  Mr. Thatcher, 

I have been a loyal user of your “Always” maxi  pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer  clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is  that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my  pants. 

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right  now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an  inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? 

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo.” Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. 

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I  opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive  backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny, middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?  WELL DID IT, JAMES?  FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack  yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house  just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a  hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of  glory. 

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like “Put down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong?” 

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. .  . 


Wendi  Aarons 

Remember to check out Wendi's blog!

Really swell greeting card shown above (and more like it) can be purchased at Bottman Design.

*All friends mentioned in this blog shall be referred to as Flo (not actual name) to protect the guilty and cover my Ungirdled arse!



  1. Wendi's blog actually has a link to an even funnier one:

    Very funny.

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